It's been a reaaaaally long winter. If you don't live in the midwest you'll just have to take my word on it. Nearly broken snowfall records, dreary days on end and I have gone a bit crazy. Okay I guess 'crazier' is the proper word. Family stuff. Work stuff. Life stuff.
I feel like a bear waking up from hibernation; like the woman who's been living my life for the last six months was a different me.
And she was in a way. The last six months have been crazy. Good and bad. Exciting and disappointing. High and low. I have experienced all the rollercoasters of life again and emerge...okay. Certainly not unscathed. Definitely not the same. Three steps forward, two steps back but hopefully still ahead at the end of the day.
Back in September my last living grandparent passed away. Harry Patten was 95 and 3/4 years old. Just about three months shy of his 96th birthday. It was hard but no unexpected. But there is no real preparedness for losing a loved one. God gave me strength to be strong for my mom while I was back visiting but I buried my own grief for weeks. I'm the oldest of two and I tend to think I have to be the strong one. I don't know why I think it's that's my responsibility.
I completely jumped off the wagon for eating right which I'm sure contributed to my emotional/mental state. Comfort eating is nice in the short term but when your jeans get tight you regret those seconds you took or that candy you had. And I have messed up brain chemistry to begin with; not taking care of myself is like pulling the pin from a hand grenade and just holding it thinking it won't explode.
Work got really hard. Not in terms of the work itself, just in the amount of people there were around to do the work. Oct and especially early November were rough. To the point that I had an actually breakdown one weekend. My first night in to work one week and I was a basketcase. I could not stop crying. I didn't understand what was going on with me. I reached out for help through Facebook messaging and thank you Jesus for my surrogate family here in Indy. Two of my girlfriends began arguing over who was going to come to work and drag me home. Praise God my coworkers that day were understanding and let me take off to rest for the night.
Through that there were good times. Amazing mornings with the students in Amplify. Fun nights with friends. Wonderful visits with family in IA. Celebrations with my surrogate families here in Indy. But this past week I noticed a pattern.
Without question all my good times in the last six months deal with other people.
That doesn't seem like a bad thing, at first. Until you remember that I'm a single gal. The majority of my time isn't really spent with other people. I tried coming up with some good times I had by myself. I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head. I went through instagram and tumblr and facebook to see if I could pinpoint some good solo times. Just me being happy and content.
There's not a much there as I'd like to see. I can't place my happiness or contentment or really anything in other people. People are just as human as I am and people will let me down. The fact that no one has significantly in the past six months really means nothing.
God is pulling me back towards Him. He's trying to remind me that my fulfillment can only be trusted in Him. He's the one who will always have my back. God's the one who's there when it's just me, alone sitting at my table eating or lounging on the couch reading. He's the one there in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and can't shut my brain off.
The question God is asking me right now is this...."Am I enough?" Is God enough for me? I think so. I want it to be so. I want to live like He is. I need to trust that He'll show me how.
I feel like a bear waking up from hibernation; like the woman who's been living my life for the last six months was a different me.
And she was in a way. The last six months have been crazy. Good and bad. Exciting and disappointing. High and low. I have experienced all the rollercoasters of life again and emerge...okay. Certainly not unscathed. Definitely not the same. Three steps forward, two steps back but hopefully still ahead at the end of the day.
Back in September my last living grandparent passed away. Harry Patten was 95 and 3/4 years old. Just about three months shy of his 96th birthday. It was hard but no unexpected. But there is no real preparedness for losing a loved one. God gave me strength to be strong for my mom while I was back visiting but I buried my own grief for weeks. I'm the oldest of two and I tend to think I have to be the strong one. I don't know why I think it's that's my responsibility.
I completely jumped off the wagon for eating right which I'm sure contributed to my emotional/mental state. Comfort eating is nice in the short term but when your jeans get tight you regret those seconds you took or that candy you had. And I have messed up brain chemistry to begin with; not taking care of myself is like pulling the pin from a hand grenade and just holding it thinking it won't explode.
Work got really hard. Not in terms of the work itself, just in the amount of people there were around to do the work. Oct and especially early November were rough. To the point that I had an actually breakdown one weekend. My first night in to work one week and I was a basketcase. I could not stop crying. I didn't understand what was going on with me. I reached out for help through Facebook messaging and thank you Jesus for my surrogate family here in Indy. Two of my girlfriends began arguing over who was going to come to work and drag me home. Praise God my coworkers that day were understanding and let me take off to rest for the night.
Through that there were good times. Amazing mornings with the students in Amplify. Fun nights with friends. Wonderful visits with family in IA. Celebrations with my surrogate families here in Indy. But this past week I noticed a pattern.
Without question all my good times in the last six months deal with other people.
That doesn't seem like a bad thing, at first. Until you remember that I'm a single gal. The majority of my time isn't really spent with other people. I tried coming up with some good times I had by myself. I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head. I went through instagram and tumblr and facebook to see if I could pinpoint some good solo times. Just me being happy and content.
There's not a much there as I'd like to see. I can't place my happiness or contentment or really anything in other people. People are just as human as I am and people will let me down. The fact that no one has significantly in the past six months really means nothing.
God is pulling me back towards Him. He's trying to remind me that my fulfillment can only be trusted in Him. He's the one who will always have my back. God's the one who's there when it's just me, alone sitting at my table eating or lounging on the couch reading. He's the one there in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and can't shut my brain off.
The question God is asking me right now is this...."Am I enough?" Is God enough for me? I think so. I want it to be so. I want to live like He is. I need to trust that He'll show me how.
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