In late February of 2011, something within was starting to shift. The last weekend of February was terrible. I mean really bad. I felt so awful and hated myself and didn't see much past the darkness of my heart, mind and soul. I was studying Isaiah in one bible study and 1, 2, & 3 John in another.
My leader for the Isaiah study didn't mind getting texts so Sunday night I text-ed her a prayer request. She was encouraging and I didn't tell her much of anything but I used specific words I had never used before. I came very close of naming my secret sin. That was totally the Holy Spirit at work. I'm sure I wouldn't have done that on my own. When we went through that week's study I had a lot to think about in terms of God freeing the Israelites after 70 years in captivity. It struck me that I was in captivity, but that thought didn't stick around long. A friend in that study talked to me more in depth the next night and I confessed some stuff to her. It was also encouraging but I still didn't get what God was doing.
My other study that week was looking at 1 John 2:28-3:10. The title of the study guide chapter was “Living Righteously.” I was not doing that at the time so I didn't feel very good working on it. But something sparked in me and I poured in the Bible, coming up with scripture after scripture for some of the questions. I scoured my concordance and cross-referenced, digging into both the New and Old Testaments. It must have been the Holy Spirit again.
There were several questions that really stuck with me about purity and what sinning really means beyond just disobeying God. Sinning is choosing garbage and evidence that one doesn't really know God and it makes me a daughter of the devil according to scripture (1 John 3:8-10)! I wish I had all the space in the world to list the scriptures but suffice to say there were a lot more that started speaking to me.
When we discussed this study guide chapter the last question was important for me to share out loud, though I was really scared. “What have you learned in this study that you will apply to your life this week?” And my answer? I wrote, “I choose purity! I choose obedience! I choose Transformation!”
Huh? Where did transformation come from? That wasn't explicitly addressed. It was more of the Holy Spirit. And I finally started listening. With fear and trepidation, I confessed my secret sin to my bible study group. After wards these fantastic ladies were hugging me and telling me how much they loved me. I was shocked to say the least. I expected disgust or horrified looks or something but not an out pouring of love.
Sure I got love and encouragement with my other group but I hadn't told them anything. God totally blew my mind that night. I prayed to the Holy Spirit and asked him to break me free of my addiction. This was the first time I'd ever acknowledged it was more than just a temptation; this was the first time I declared the seriousness of my sin and confessed as such to God.
And yet, it still wasn't over. I went on a retreat that weekend with a friend and little did I know but everything thus far in the week was building to what Jesus was going to do that weekend. I can't disclose much about the retreat but here are the bare bones of what happened.
On one of the early days after a talk I wrote down my addiction as a prayer request to go over to the chapel of folks praying for our weekend. I got a hug form one of the pastors after I put it in, and a friend at my table came over and hugged me as well. Holy Spirit time again—I confessed to my friend. I spilled and I cried and I told her things I hadn't told my group and told her lots of things I done to help myself. She listened, commiserated and loved me.
The next speaker gave out a little trinket to go with her talk. It was a little mesh bag of polished rocks and costume jewels. She'd talked about the book Hinds Feet in High Places and I found I was much like the main character, Much-Afraid. As she journeyed to the high places to be with the Good Shepherd she picked up stones whenever she encountered difficulty. At the end of her journey, He asks to see the stones but when Much-Afraid pulls them out, they have become jewels. The speaker had written on a card, “You have been invited to the High Places. To the place where, Fear becomes Courage, Sorrow becomes Joy, and Suffering becomes Peace. Do you have anything you'd like to exchange?”
I did. I had secret sin that needed out one more time. I confessed in front of a wonderful group of sisters in Christ and asked the Holy Spirit to make me the pure spotless bride scripture exhorts believers to be. I cried, had several people hug me, one was a seriously strong hug that made me think of a mama bear snatching a baby cub out of danger and holding tight, and lots of ladies said they loved me and my courage. It was the opposite reaction of what I had feared despite going through this already with my other group. My friend christened me with a new name- “Courage” (Now that I'm taking a martial arts called Muay Thai, it's “Captain Courage”.)
For the first time in my life, honestly and truthfully, I not only felt free, I KNEW I was free.
And that's it for this part of my story. I worked very hard to rid myself of my sin but it wasn't until I got off my lazy butt and did the real hard work like letting go of my control and confessing and acknowledging my addiction that I found freedom in Christ.
And that's my new spiritual anniversary: March 4th, 2011. Yeah, I probably would have gone to heaven before that if I'd died or Jesus had returned. But oh, how much sweeter to be more Christ-like and free in Jesus to start learning to love myself, respect myself and earnestly start living for God, the greatest love of my life.
I'm not perfect but the Holy Spirit has empowered me to be free of my addiction more than six months now. And you know what? God's revealed a new area of my life that needs work. I know there’s lots of work left to be done within me. I won't have reached the end of my journey to become Christ-like in this lifetime. But praise God, I have eternal life with Him (John 3:16, Romans 6:23). What an awesome journey is ahead both for this life and after Jesus’ 2nd coming.
Psalm 25:5 “Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.”
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