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Questions In The Night

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

So sick, so emotional, hormones I think, but then I realize I’m under attack… not the sinful foothold the devil had up to tonight no the Holy Ghost took him out in Jesus’ name rebuked he fled the area of my heart and mind and soul and I prayed so earnestly for the Holy Ghost to take control. The weight of it off my shoulders, my fever at it’s peak, my headache strong and spreading from my tears of pain and joy… more tears come and when did these thoughts of fear enter into play? While I wasn’t watching, celebrating the victory He gave. Fear, so insidious like many sins and temptations, it sneaks in as genuine concern, so one thinks but soon God is not in control and indeed seems not to be there, a lie from the father of falsehoods, for God has not left me but my fear is blinding and my easy targets are under fire once more. Dad. My job. My life. My witness. My walk with the Creator. You know these fears and others of your own I'm sure, you know how this story goes. What if Dad has another stroke? What if I’m just a body at work? What if my life has the wrong purpose? What if my witness sucks? What if I’m faking it–all the smiles, the songs, the prayers, what if my relationship with the Alpha and Omega is a lie on my part? What if Daddy becomes a vegetable, the light in his eyes so bright, lively, understanding, and loving gone from us yet his shell clings on? Maybe worse yet, what if that light still shines so bright and he can’t share it? Can’t speak. Can’t sing. Can’t write. Can’t communicate. What then? How will I explain to my Mom when I quit and leave Indy moving to Kentucky to care for him by my Step-Mom’s side? What if Mom’s hurt by the past once again and this time I cause it? How can I live breaking my Mommy’s heart? What if I can’t do it? What if I chicken out and can’t sit there while he suffers? What if I runaway from the problems of my life once again? What if I never finish my resume? What if I stay and get complacent and never see the promise my life could be? What if I never let go of my money? What if I’m forever in debt? What if I’m doomed to be another stat? A faceless, nameless, nobody who leaves no legacy, no impact on this world I’m in? And slowly I hear the music in my head. Nicole. Her sweet voice singing verses I still haven’t memorized fully but know the gist of and a chorus I have sung to myself in the car. In the shower. Cleaning. At work. “What if you’re wrong? What if there’s more? What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for? What if you jump? Just close your eyes…What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if he’s more than enough?” And I begin to wonder again-what if Jesus is more than enough to take care of all these fears and more? Not just mine but yours. And yours. And his. And hers. Anyone’s. The last line echoes in my head as Nicole sings powerfully “What if it’s love?” and Jesus’ precious love for me spills over my soul anew and fresh. His mercies, new every morning, are fresh at midnight too. His love. Oh, His blood that covers me, scrubs away the sin, fear, and doubt so easily so freely when I cry out ‘forgive me Lord!’ And another voice in my head that is mine but not mine says (What sin child, what sin? What fear? Let it go. Take my hand. Here at the foot of the old rugged cross, leave the fear there. There’s a spot just for you. You are lovely. You are beautiful. I see you pure.) I am unworthy God. (No, you are my image child and you cannot help that!) Me? Wretched me? What if I can’t…? (Of course, you won’t be alone. I am here. I feel your fear child. Your pain. Your tears. For all that sorrow take my peace. My love. My comfort. “The city of refuge is open tonight”) He says and that wonderful 4HIM song flies thru my head… (“Come inside, come on inside”) And I try to imagine walking inside the city of refuge. I try to imagine jumping into His arms. I try to imagine falling collapsing into the arms of the one who loves me without end. Without question. For who I am and whom He sees me to someday be. The headache stays but now I can sleep in peace. (“It’s alright, it’s okay, I am right here. Do you still not believe that I am Emmanuel? I will be with you even to the end of the age. I’ll never leave you nor forsake you, my child. I am Emmanuel, I am Emmanuel, I am Emmanuel, I am with you.”)



© Michelle Post
Contains a portion of the song “What If” by Nicole Nordeman © 2005 Birdwing Music / Birdboy Songs (ASCAP).
Contains a portion of the song “City of Refuge” by 4HIM, © 2001 Sony/ATV Acuff Rose Music. Contains a portion of the song "Emmanuel" by 1000 Generations, © 2003 simplistic records.

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