Ah yes, the job hunt. Every college graduates dreaded 1st step into the "real" world.
Long story short, I moved to Indiana for a job, moved into my first apartment, got hooked up with a great church, and met an amazing friend who introduced me around and helped me find connections.
It's funny how fast memory fades. I really don't remember much until I start looking at pictures or my check book or email.
I had no family or friends when I first moved to Indiana; so it was a “I'm-trusting-God-to-survive” time in my life.
There were ups and downs. I made lots of friends, many I'm still in touch with and others I've lost contact. I continue to make friends, and have come to realize that friends are not always friends forever. Well, you're still friends, but the nature of your relationships is always changing, because people change.
I began getting involved with my church's singles group. In a few years, I actually found myself in a place of leadership. That was good, and frustrating. It gave me a better understanding of the challenges of wrangling people.
Things got changed up a bit when one of the staff pastors came on board to help. I was part of the leadership team and doing what I could to encourage others. But inside I was still struggling. Through all these good times and great blessings, I was still a terrible person inside sometimes.
The reason is I struggled with a secret sin. It's not like you could look at me and say, "Oh yeah, she's a horrible person. Definitely going to hell." See, that's the power of secret sin: it can't be seen because it's hidden, in one's mind, in one’s heart, behind closed doors. No one sees, no one knows. Sure, you know and God knows, but denial is a big part of secret sin’s power.
I struggled with my secret sin, thankfully. I write thankfully because I was often in fear that I was not really saved. I feared my relationship with God wasn't real because I was still sinning. The fact that I struggled and felt remorse was a comfort because a little part of me, a very, very little part, had hope that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't a lost cause.
In retrospect, that's a seriously arrogant attitude I had: total pride on my part. When I focus on myself and not God, it's easy to think the world revolves around me. And I'm single. No kids. A couple cats, yeah but really, few responsibilities. If I wanted my world could revolve around me.
For the better part of the 2000 decade, my world DID revolve around me.
Again, just like when I was younger, I know there are people who would argue with me on this point. I did a lot of “good” things; I was active in church, Bible studies, volunteering various places, visiting my family like a good daughter, exhibiting a good work ethic at my job, ect… What about my heart? They don’t really know what was going on inside me. My heart was a battle ground. (It still is, but more on the good news about that later.)
Years ago, (I’m not sure when, maybe 5 years ago?), I had a missionary friend talk me through a lot of prayer on the phone when I managed to confess my secret sins to her. The main focus was on letting the Holy Spirit have control of my life especially in the area I was struggling. We talked on the phone several times, a lot of it in prayer. She came through the state on a trip and stopped for dinner. We prayed again and I confessed and I believed I was free.
Except I didn't really "let go and let God". I kept trying to keep my sin in check in my power. I stayed in control. That of course, did not work. I had recognized I needed the Holy Spirit’s help but I didn’t actually let Him have control. So I stumbled. I fell. I gave into temptation. I stopped being accountable to my friend partly because she was out of the country and partly because I was ashamed. Even more ashamed than the first time, because I'd fallen back in the old patterns after trying so hard and seeking forgiveness. I went through a run of biblical counseling but again, even though they gave me the tools to overcome sin, I still tried doing everything in my power.
By the time the fall of 2010 rolled around, I have to admit that I'd come to the conclusion that it didn't matter what safe guards I put in my life. My fallen nature, my flesh, was clever and would find the loopholes in the systems I create to block it and drag me back towards temptation. I thought I'd always be trapped. I kept reading books, reading the Bible, occasionally talking to a select group of ladies I'd shared with over the years and at one time or another been accountable to.
I'm ashamed to say that I never stuck with one accountability partner. It would help for a while but then when things were going well, I'd fall out of the habit of talking and being accountable. Then the next time I'd fall to temptation, I'd be scared or embarrassed to go back to my accountability partner. In hindsight, that is ridiculous behavior.
Again, that's the devil's power at work with secret sin. He makes you think that you're horrible and disgusting and filthy and no one could ever look at you the same if you confessed that. They'd think you were such a hypocrite. You'd lose all credibility in their eyes. The devil likes to lie to you and point out your sin and accuse you, until finally convincing you that God couldn’t possibly be willing to forgive you again for that sin.
That’s where I found myself. Wanting to serve God and on the outside, looking like a great Christian. A lot of the time I think I was close to being a good witness. Struggling with a major inner demon and thinking I was never going to be free.
Little did I realize I close to my breaking point. I couldn’t see the big picture and what God had planned in 2011.
To Be Continued One Last Time…
Comments
Post a Comment