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Weirdness

There are a myriad of reasons I'm weird; this is just one.

I don't think I'm a fake, but I am a pretty good actress.  I'm not sure people realize that about me.  I'm a genuine article and truthfulness and honesty are important to me.  But sometimes it takes me a while to realize when I've been acting.  Or maybe I'm just flighty.  It doesn't seem to take much to bring me up or down.

A good example is last week.  I did not want to go to BSF.  I hadn't finished my lesson, I was in a funk and I really didn't want to be around people.  (Yes I had a friend over but we can be in the same room and not really interact between our computers and the TV all being on)

I went to BSF anyway because I'm refusing to let emotions rule me and/or my behavior.  My mind is in charge, not my heart.  Emotions lie and manipulate and confuse.  So I went to BSF and was running a little late; I missed the opening hymns and announcements.  I got to our discussion room and immediately realized there were twice as many chairs as there should be.

Of all nights for there to be more people it was both horrible and perfect. 

Horrible that more people for me to be embarrassed in front of.  More people for me to be exposed to germs up close and personal.  More people for me to be uncomfortable around.  More people to witness me in a time of insecurity. 

Perfect that there were more people to talk, so my failure wouldn't hinder the discussion as much.  Perfect that there were more people and I could blend into the crowd.  Perfect that there were more people who didn't know me so not talking wouldn't seem too weird.

I think my leader Angela suspected I had nothing.  The first time she called on me I couldn't even say anything.  I just shook my head vigorously and she moved on.  Then she called on me later to read a verse, which is a classic technique to get participation from someone.  Especially in BSF when someone hasn't finished their lesson.

I managed to make it through and sat in the sanctuary all the way on the far right, as far from people as I could.

But then a lady came in after we'd started singing and sat in the middle of my row, three chairs away.  So I saddled up beside her and shared the hymnal I was holding.   So much for avoiding people.

Then the lecture began and I managed to stay on track and focus until I started crying for no reason.  Well, that's not entirely true.   Something Barb said hit me but it shouldn't have hit so hard.

But when I came home to my roommate and friend who was still hanging out there, I was fine.  There was no indication in me that anything was amiss.  We stayed up for hours watching movies and surfing the internet and it's like I was pretending to fine.  But I didn't realize that until I went to sleep.

This happens to me or I make it happen a lot it seems.  Even the times when I perk up around my friends only to cry myself home in the car.  Of I wake up horrible and smile all day work.  I'm not being disingenuous; it's that I don't know who I am most of the time.

So my conclusion is I'm totally weird.  That and I have very little idea what's going on in my own head.

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