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On Guard

So after three weeks of spiritual highs, I fell. I wasn't on guard. I not only let my guard down but dived right into sin. Which totally sucked! Was the sin fulfilling? Of course not! I just spiraled for a day and avoided God and reading my Bible and praying. That doesn't mean I didn't see God during that time; it was weird to still see Him in everything despite my disobedience.

It was a struggle to go to my Bible study Wed night. I really didn't want to. I felt wretched and worthless and unpure and unworthy to be amongst these ladies of God. But thankfully I ignored my feelings. I knew it was important to go. 1) My roommate's in the study so not showing up would make her concerned. 2) It was the last chapter of the study and I needed closure for the book whether or not I felt like it. 3) I needed to go. My soul needed encouragement.

I was determined not to talk however. I hadn't finish the chapter of our book (The One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven by Mark Cahill) and I refused to feel like a hypocrite commenting on stuff I hadn't finish especially in my current state. I was having a hard time asking God for forgiveness becuase it seemed hard. I felt bad for letting God down and it boggles my mind that He still loves me even if I screw up.

So guess what? I didn't talk. At first at least. There were a couple of general sciencey and grammar questions that I helped with but I avoided actual study stuff. And then I felt God tugging on my heart; telling me and showing me through these wonderful women that I was not alone. That I was loved and worthy of forgivness.

I realized why I didn't finish the last chapter. It's called Hit List. It's not about who's going to be on mine as far as sharing my faith goes. It's about me being on Satan's hit list. Which I totally was after all those victories the last few weeks.

While study was still going on I asked God to forgive my disobedience and help me draw the line to move on with Him. I want to be a pure, blameless disciple.

My lesson for this week is to watch my pride. I got so caught up in being victorious over tempation and sin that I forgot it wasn't by my will that kept from sin. It was the strength and willpower from God that got me through those three weeks.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my BSF study and prayer time to get to.

Last thought is a 1000 generations song called Only In Weakness:
I open up my heart
When I loose my mouth and let confessions pour out
I vulnerably commune with You just as I am when
I open up my heart

I will lay down my pride
I will hold nothing back, no nothing I’ll hide
Cause I want to have Your strength instead of mine, so
I lay down all my pride

It’s only in weakness can You be strong
In honesty is where my praises belong
You call me deep and deep I come to worship You

I will undress my soul
I’ll show You everything cause I want You to know
That I am Yours and Yours alone, so
I will undress my soul

With my mouth, with my heart, with my life, and my soul
With my love, and my adoration
copyright 1000 generations 2006 Simplistic Records
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