Mikki's Posts

God is Faithful even when I am faithless

2011-10-21T18:12:00.000-04:00

This is an old thought, but I figured it's the Truth so it's never really too old to mention....

God is so good. He orchestrates events in our lives that blow my mind. I don't say this in a 'oh-pity-me' kind of way but there are so many times when I really don't deserve God's grace. Or His mercy, provision, love.

That's sort of the point. God's character does not change. Jesus will always be faithful. That's who He is. That's what He is.

Regardless of me. Because in the end it's really all about Him.

Stones to Jewels

2011-10-06T08:57:00.000-04:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Hinds Feet in High Places

2011-10-06T08:54:00.001-04:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Getting off my lazy butt Conclusion

2011-10-06T07:51:00.001-04:00

In late February of 2011, something within was starting to shift. The last weekend of February was terrible. I mean really bad. I felt so awful and hated myself and didn't see much past the darkness of my heart, mind and soul. I was studying Isaiah in one bible study and 1, 2, & 3 John in another.

My leader for the Isaiah study didn't mind getting texts so Sunday night I text-ed her a prayer request. She was encouraging and I didn't tell her much of anything but I used specific words I had never used before. I came very close of naming my secret sin. That was totally the Holy Spirit at work. I'm sure I wouldn't have done that on my own. When we went through that week's study I had a lot to think about in terms of God freeing the Israelites after 70 years in captivity. It struck me that I was in captivity, but that thought didn't stick around long. A friend in that study talked to me more in depth the next night and I confessed some stuff to her. It was also encouraging but I still didn't get what God was doing.

My other study that week was looking at 1 John 2:28-3:10. The title of the study guide chapter was “Living Righteously.” I was not doing that at the time so I didn't feel very good working on it. But something sparked in me and I poured in the Bible, coming up with scripture after scripture for some of the questions. I scoured my concordance and cross-referenced, digging into both the New and Old Testaments. It must have been the Holy Spirit again.

There were several questions that really stuck with me about purity and what sinning really means beyond just disobeying God. Sinning is choosing garbage and evidence that one doesn't really know God and it makes me a daughter of the devil according to scripture (1 John 3:8-10)! I wish I had all the space in the world to list the scriptures but suffice to say there were a lot more that started speaking to me.

When we discussed this study guide chapter the last question was important for me to share out loud, though I was really scared. “What have you learned in this study that you will apply to your life this week?” And my answer? I wrote, “I choose purity! I choose obedience! I choose Transformation!”

Huh? Where did transformation come from? That wasn't explicitly addressed. It was more of the Holy Spirit. And I finally started listening. With fear and trepidation, I confessed my secret sin to my bible study group. After wards these fantastic ladies were hugging me and telling me how much they loved me. I was shocked to say the least. I expected disgust or horrified looks or something but not an out pouring of love.

Sure I got love and encouragement with my other group but I hadn't told them anything. God totally blew my mind that night. I prayed to the Holy Spirit and asked him to break me free of my addiction. This was the first time I'd ever acknowledged it was more than just a temptation; this was the first time I declared the seriousness of my sin and confessed as such to God.

And yet, it still wasn't over. I went on a retreat that weekend with a friend and little did I know but everything thus far in the week was building to what Jesus was going to do that weekend. I can't disclose much about the retreat but here are the bare bones of what happened.

On one of the early days after a talk I wrote down my addiction as a prayer request to go over to the chapel of folks praying for our weekend. I got a hug form one of the pastors after I put it in, and a friend at my table came over and hugged me as well. Holy Spirit time again—I confessed to my friend. I spilled and I cried and I told her things I hadn't told my group and told her lots of things I done to help myself. She listened, commiserated and loved me.

The next speaker gave out a little trinket to go with her talk. It was a little mesh bag of polished rocks and costume jewels. She'd talked about the book Hinds Feet in High Places and I found I was much like the main character, Much-Afraid. As she journeyed to the high places to be with the Good Shepherd she picked up stones whenever she encountered difficulty. At the end of her journey, He asks to see the stones but when Much-Afraid pulls them out, they have become jewels. The speaker had written on a card, “You have been invited to the High Places. To the place where, Fear becomes Courage, Sorrow becomes Joy, and Suffering becomes Peace. Do you have anything you'd like to exchange?”

I did. I had secret sin that needed out one more time. I confessed in front of a wonderful group of sisters in Christ and asked the Holy Spirit to make me the pure spotless bride scripture exhorts believers to be. I cried, had several people hug me, one was a seriously strong hug that made me think of a mama bear snatching a baby cub out of danger and holding tight, and lots of ladies said they loved me and my courage. It was the opposite reaction of what I had feared despite going through this already with my other group. My friend christened me with a new name- “Courage” (Now that I'm taking a martial arts called Muay Thai, it's “Captain Courage”.)

For the first time in my life, honestly and truthfully, I not only felt free, I KNEW I was free.

And that's it for this part of my story. I worked very hard to rid myself of my sin but it wasn't until I got off my lazy butt and did the real hard work like letting go of my control and confessing and acknowledging my addiction that I found freedom in Christ.

And that's my new spiritual anniversary: March 4^th, 2011. Yeah, I probably would have gone to heaven before that if I'd died or Jesus had returned. But oh, how much sweeter to be more Christ-like and free in Jesus to start learning to love myself, respect myself and earnestly start living for God, the greatest love of my life.

I'm not perfect but the Holy Spirit has empowered me to be free of my addiction more than six months now. And you know what? God's revealed a new area of my life that needs work. I know there’s lots of work left to be done within me. I won't have reached the end of my journey to become Christ-like in this lifetime. But praise God, I have eternal life with Him (John 3:16, Romans 6:23). What an awesome journey is ahead both for this life and after Jesus’ 2^nd coming.

Psalm 25:5 “Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.”

Getting Off My Lazy Butt (Part 4)

2011-09-14T08:49:00.001-04:00

Ah yes, the job hunt. Every college graduates dreaded 1st step into the "real" world.

Long story short, I moved to Indiana for a job, moved into my first apartment, got hooked up with a great church, and met an amazing friend who introduced me around and helped me find connections.

It's funny how fast memory fades. I really don't remember much until I start looking at pictures or my check book or email.

I had no family or friends when I first moved to Indiana; so it was a “I'm-trusting-God-to-survive” time in my life.

There were ups and downs. I made lots of friends, many I'm still in touch with and others I've lost contact. I continue to make friends, and have come to realize that friends are not always friends forever. Well, you're still friends, but the nature of your relationships is always changing, because people change.

I began getting involved with my church's singles group. In a few years, I actually found myself in a place of leadership. That was good, and frustrating. It gave me a better understanding of the challenges of wrangling people.

Things got changed up a bit when one of the staff pastors came on board to help. I was part of the leadership team and doing what I could to encourage others. But inside I was still struggling. Through all these good times and great blessings, I was still a terrible person inside sometimes.

The reason is I struggled with a secret sin. It's not like you could look at me and say, "Oh yeah, she's a horrible person. Definitely going to hell." See, that's the power of secret sin: it can't be seen because it's hidden, in one's mind, in one’s heart, behind closed doors. No one sees, no one knows. Sure, you know and God knows, but denial is a big part of secret sin’s power.

I struggled with my secret sin, thankfully. I write thankfully because I was often in fear that I was not really saved. I feared my relationship with God wasn't real because I was still sinning. The fact that I struggled and felt remorse was a comfort because a little part of me, a very, very little part, had hope that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't a lost cause.

In retrospect, that's a seriously arrogant attitude I had: total pride on my part. When I focus on myself and not God, it's easy to think the world revolves around me. And I'm single. No kids. A couple cats, yeah but really, few responsibilities. If I wanted my world could revolve around me.

For the better part of the 2000 decade, my world DID revolve around me.

Again, just like when I was younger, I know there are people who would argue with me on this point. I did a lot of “good” things; I was active in church, Bible studies, volunteering various places, visiting my family like a good daughter, exhibiting a good work ethic at my job, ect… What about my heart? They don’t really know what was going on inside me. My heart was a battle ground. (It still is, but more on the good news about that later.)

Years ago, (I’m not sure when, maybe 5 years ago?), I had a missionary friend talk me through a lot of prayer on the phone when I managed to confess my secret sins to her. The main focus was on letting the Holy Spirit have control of my life especially in the area I was struggling. We talked on the phone several times, a lot of it in prayer. She came through the state on a trip and stopped for dinner. We prayed again and I confessed and I believed I was free.

Except I didn't really "let go and let God". I kept trying to keep my sin in check in my power. I stayed in control. That of course, did not work. I had recognized I needed the Holy Spirit’s help but I didn’t actually let Him have control. So I stumbled. I fell. I gave into temptation. I stopped being accountable to my friend partly because she was out of the country and partly because I was ashamed. Even more ashamed than the first time, because I'd fallen back in the old patterns after trying so hard and seeking forgiveness. I went through a run of biblical counseling but again, even though they gave me the tools to overcome sin, I still tried doing everything in my power.

By the time the fall of 2010 rolled around, I have to admit that I'd come to the conclusion that it didn't matter what safe guards I put in my life. My fallen nature, my flesh, was clever and would find the loopholes in the systems I create to block it and drag me back towards temptation. I thought I'd always be trapped. I kept reading books, reading the Bible, occasionally talking to a select group of ladies I'd shared with over the years and at one time or another been accountable to.

I'm ashamed to say that I never stuck with one accountability partner. It would help for a while but then when things were going well, I'd fall out of the habit of talking and being accountable. Then the next time I'd fall to temptation, I'd be scared or embarrassed to go back to my accountability partner. In hindsight, that is ridiculous behavior.

Again, that's the devil's power at work with secret sin. He makes you think that you're horrible and disgusting and filthy and no one could ever look at you the same if you confessed that. They'd think you were such a hypocrite. You'd lose all credibility in their eyes. The devil likes to lie to you and point out your sin and accuse you, until finally convincing you that God couldn’t possibly be willing to forgive you again for that sin.

That’s where I found myself. Wanting to serve God and on the outside, looking like a great Christian. A lot of the time I think I was close to being a good witness. Struggling with a major inner demon and thinking I was never going to be free.

Little did I realize I close to my breaking point. I couldn’t see the big picture and what God had planned in 2011.

To Be Continued One Last Time…

Getting Off My Lazy Butt (Part 3)

2011-08-15T21:29:00.001-04:00

I ran again after my friend's death.

I somehow finished the last couple months of my senior year at Luther. I walked thru the ceremony, though it would take me another year to get the diploma (two more electives and a senior paper to finish). I remember laughing and smiling with family and friends. I had fun. I had bad days. I cried over her.

I knew one thing above everything else in my life at that moment. One truth that I couldn't avoid: I had to get out.

I felt like the walls were crashing in on me. The thought of staying in IA anywhere was unacceptable. I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to stay at Luther. I still had some school to finish up but where?

I asked my dad and step-mom if I could stay with them and finish my schooling. I had no idea what I was getting into. I just wanted away from Iowa and all the pain it was causing me. As if it was the state that was the root of my grief. I think I'd tried to talk to God but I felt so ashamed and guilty for all my disobedience and sin. I couldn't get past me. What I didn't know then was how much God would use my time in KY for His glory.

And of course, in between graduating from Luther and moving in with my dad and step-mom there was 9/11. I watched the second plane crash into the the second tower. It was unreal and surreal at the same time. That shook me to the core towards God. I totally starting praying for the people in the towers, the emergency workers and everyone else. I was seriously angry at the people responsible. When something awful happens people want comfort. We want to know there's a bigger picture and that someone is in control. I still didn't trust God for me but I somehow trusted Him for all these other people in the country and world that were hurting. Somehow I was special, like I was unforgivable.

Jumping to Kentucky...

Rule One of living with my dad and step-mom: I would be in church on Sundays. And since I liked singing and my dad was in the choir, he gently but firmly pushed me into joining him.

(There weren't really a lot of rules other than that. Dad and Anita didn't make me get a job. As long as I was actively working through my college correspondence courses and my senior paper they would provide what I needed in terms of food, shelter, basic clothing.)

It didn't happen overnight but my heart started turning back towards God on a personal level. There were a number of godly, mature Christians to help show me God's love and the power of His mercy & grace.

I can't pinpoint the date that I started trusting Jesus again, but it was sometime that fall of 2001. I had gotten involved with a Bible Study down on Asbury's campus that was being led by Steve Elliot for a few months. My parents hosted a young adult Bible study in their home and since I lived there it was easy to go. I was enjoying choir and made lots of friends. I tried to go to the college sunday school class sometimes. My dad was on staff at the time, so I got to know the rest of the staff at the church.

Somehow, I volunteered to help with the children's Christmas program. I'm pretty sure it was my Dad's suggestion. I wasn't sure but I went ahead. Truth be told? I ended up loving the kids and really looking forward to practices. I even got involved in the kid's programs on Sunday mornings. I'd be in skits, do puppets, help out with the craft area, give the kids snacks, wherever help was needed. Teaching the kids about Jesus really helped me to relearn who He is.

That last "school year" passed quickly in many respects. I got my correspondence classes done and transferred from the University of Iowa to Luther. I spent many hours at the UK library and in front of a computer putting my senior paper to bed. Then, lo and behold, Luther sent my diploma. I walked with my friends in May 2001 but in reality I graduated 2002. (I claim both dates and get class letters from both years.)

So now it was time to job hunt.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Getting Off My Lazy Butt (Part 2)

2011-07-06T17:08:00.002-04:00

Junior/Senior year of college....

I finally started dealing with the depression that was slowly crippling my life. I kind of had to. There was a weekend break my junior year when I just broke down. Turns out that was a major depressive episode I had been building up to. I stayed in my room for three days, didn't do my homework for my J-term class and got out of bed only to use the restroom or get pizza out of my fridge. I only broke out of that episode because I had a shift to work in the kitchen.

After I talked to my j-term professor about what happened, he was surprisingly understanding and allowed me an incomplete that I later turned into a D+. Hey-better than failing and it was a physical chemistry course on thermodynamics which I didn't like much (too much physics and I'm not a fan).

Then I procrastinated two months to see a counselor on campus. A month after I started seeing her, she gave me a depression evaluation. I scored off the charts, but this time that wasn't a good thing. She advised me to go the student clinic and talk to an RN there.

After an agonizing weekend away on a Mock Trial trip where I talked to my three closest friends about my fears and the depression and what meds would do to me, I started on anti-depressant medication that seemed to help. My doctor back home wasn't surprised when I came in to talk to her about it and was satisfied with the treatments I was doing. I thought things were turning around.

Senior year was still bumpy. The depression had affected me so much academically, I nearly changed my major. Chemistry was becoming too difficult to focus on, I felt I wasn't learning anything and I was finding my love of science decrease. Somehow, quitting school was never an option for me. I didn't know what else to do with my life; I had wanted to work in forensics for eight years and now it seemed like getting a chemistry degree was going to kill me, even with taking anti-depressants and getting tutored.

Then in April my senior year a very close girlfriend didn't show up for lunch one day. I didn't notice because I didn't make it that day either. Then her mom called me. That had never happened. I assumed she was on a spontaneous road trip to see a friend ours of town. It wasn't that far and she'd driven there before.

I can't go through the story here. Suffice to say her minivan was found along a two lane highway, locked up, with her keys, purse and cellphone inside. Her body was found not too far away in a field. Official cause of death-exposure. She was 19 years old. It rocked the campus. It devastated her mother and family.

If I hadn't been on anti-depressants I don't know how I would have survived. To this day those last couple months of school are blurred. I remember writing poetry about her. I remember crying my eyes out. I remember graduation being moved indoors because it might rain. I remember riding in a car to her funeral. I remember her sister playing a song from the Little Mermaid. I remember the cemetery and how damp and muggy and depressed the day felt, as if even nature were mourning my sweet young friend. I remember laughing and smiling and feeling guilty for doing anything because she could never do any of it herself anymore. Survivor's guilt I had badly.

I think I broke again, like I had my junior year J-term. Only this was worse. There was so much pain and anger, not just at God, but also at her and myself.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Getting Off My Lazy Butt (Part 1)

2011-06-10T18:26:00.001-04:00

Sorry, language. I know.

So I need to be blogging. I've had lots of great things happen and there's all these jumbled thoughts in my head that I should really get out.

To start off this series, I'm not sure when I first accepted Christ. As a friend of mine would say, "I was saved from a sinful wretched life at the age of two." That means I don't really have an exact date or even know what year of my life I decided to follow Jesus.

I grew up in church, practically at church, and had strong Christian legacies from both my mom and my dad's sides of the family. I read my bible sometimes, I paid attention in church, I usually tried to do the right thing. Except of course when I wasn't. Which is a lot more than many of the adults around the kid me knew.

I was a terror child sometimes. I disobeyed my mom, stole money from her at a young age and acted out at home. At church I seemed the perfect little angel. But due to extenuating circumstances, mom didn't go to church with us. Grandma and Grandpa Patten took us. (Long story you don't need to know, though I have little doubt of my mom being a sincere follower of Christ.)

I got worse as I got older and became more independent. Though I'm sure there are those at my old home church would say I was a great kid. I think my mom could tell some very different stories. Once I could drive I could go to church or wherever, whenever, even when my grandparents were in AZ for the winter and my aunt and uncle across the street couldn't make it. Or when my mom said no and then went to work. I thought it was okay for me to go out and be out late with the youth because it's not like I was out drinking or having sex. I was hanging out with my christian friends having good clean fun. But I could come home and scream at my mom and slam doors and fight with my brother. I would lie to my mom about my plans or lie about them afterwards.

I was living two lives and neither of them felt real. In one I was a saint and in the other I was a devil. Outside I was a wonderful straight A student, who was an eager volunteer and helpful and friendly and kind. Inside I was a twisted sick soul full of selfishness, self loathing, anger and pride.

For this series, we're gonna fast forwarded to college. I spent nearly all of my college life running away from God. I usually say "walking" away from God when I talk about it but it was a little more aggressive than that. I didn't like going back to my hometown for church. My family had moved an hour away for my mom's job and I was happy to be away. I lived at home two more years going to community college and alternatively making my relationship with my mom better and worse. I've since learned that my relationship with my mom, and others was a direct result of my unresolved sin. More on that later.

Most people still thought I was a good person, even me. I was nice to people. I was a "good" person. When I went off to my four year college I took care of a roommate one night when she came back to the dorm drunk and ended up locked in a bathroom stall puking. I liked helping out; I got involved in some campus awareness groups. I enjoyed volunteering and helping out at campus events or the campus theater. I went to a local church a few times, but that wasn't very comfortable so I didn't go often.

My senior year a friend even introduced me to Veggietales (which I loved despite not being right with God). Really though, I didn't want to make room in my life for God. I look back now and see numerous times he protected me or blessed me; I just continued to write Him off. I bet most people from college think I was a nice, good person. They had no idea who I really was inside.

And inside I was running. And I kept running.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Someone gave up FB for Lent and was supposed to blog more...

2011-04-24T08:49:00.000-04:00

Yes, I gave up Facebook for Lent. Yes, I meant to blog more about that experience. Interestingly enough, life has been so full and I've been so lazy in my down time that blogging hasn't happened.

It has been weird not being on FB. A friend gave birth and I wouldn't have known until this week maybe when I got the announcement for the baby's baptism. A number of events and get-togethers have been organized by, gasp, email or phone. How old fashioned!

It's been more than a little liberating. My quips and snarky remarks and one-liners have be relegated back to my immediate surroundings...perhaps where they belong. In context, shared by those I'm with presently. Not for the whole world of my FB friends.

I'm not giving FB up permanently. I love being connected to my family and close friends. But is has put my casual friends on FB in the right perspective.

Granted my friends that are Christians are worthwhile, even if they aren't particularly deep. We are all part of the body of the church. My friends that aren't Christian but I have been connected to most of my life are obviously worthwhile. Something has held us together all the years, and I will continue to pray and trust the Holy Spirit will work in them, hoping that they will accept Christ. There are still others that aren't Christian, aren't close friends, but I feel God has placed in my life for me to be a light to: I continue to pray for them and their salvation as well.

But then there's this other category. You know what I'm talking about. The people who you sort of know in real life from your past or present but not really. The folks who friend you, catch up a little bit on life and then you never hear from again. Not on your wall, not in a FB message, nada, nothing, zip. I've had people request me as a friend and skip the catching up part, moving straight to the running silent mode.

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that people want more than just a big friend list so they can brag or think they're something special because they have "x" many friends on FB.

But American culture is predominately about quantity not quality. More is better. Bigger is better. I think it's best summed up in a High School Musical song, believe or not. Sharpay is a relatively obnoxious, weathly, spoiled princess. In the HSM3, Sharpay and her twin brother Ryan have a duet called "I Want it All" Part of the chorus goes:

"Don't you see that

Bigger is better

And better is bigger

A little bit is never enough

No no no!

I want it all!

I want it, want it, want it

The fame and the fortune and more!

I want it all!

I want it, want it, want it

I gotta have my star on the door"

I think that rings true for a lot of FB. People want fame and lots of friends and so many want to prove that they've arrived. They're Somebody and don't you want to be friends with Someone like them? It's a virtual existence they can make better than real life. (Not true for all, just making observations.)

I don't think I'll be culling my FB friends list anytime soon. I've only ever un-friended two people and that's because they dropped the F-bomb in their status. That was relatively early in my FB days. Now I just hide people. I will probably make a group of the folks who really matter and that I communicate with on a regular basis and continue to share my life fully with them. The rest of the list will probably never notice...

I've been busy being transformed

2011-04-08T21:29:00.000-04:00

Photo by Mikki Post

Yeah, I'm molting...

The Holy Spirit has/is transforming me greatly! I will need to slow down enough to blog but currently very busy. God is good all the time!

"Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5

Precision Update

2011-01-30T22:57:00.000-05:00

So I have a place for devotions. I decided on my desk. It's a good place because it's not too comfortable so there's little chance I'd fall asleep. I'm not giving up but picking the same time every day won't work for me.

February has a few goals now.

1. When I rise and when I go to bed, I will be spending a concentrated 10 minutes in prayer. If I go over, great. But at least 10 mins.

2. I'm going to read Today in the Word, the Moody Bible Institute daily devotional. I gave the hard copy I have for the month to my friend and she's going to read with me to keep us both accountable. I'm going to text or email her every day my thoughts or reactions to the day's reading/devo.

3. In this next month I will get my bible study homework done before the day I have study. Sunday for BSF, Tuesday for the women's study. Yes BSF is a daily structure but there many weeks where I have days I slack.

So that's it for now.

Oh! I'm giving up Facebook for Lent so I imagine I'll blog about that experience more often when the time comes around. I think this year will be the most challenging yet considering how much I use FB these days. Planning on uninstalling the app on my phone.

The Struggle for Precision

2011-01-23T17:10:00.002-05:00

"We are leaky vessels" -Pastor Steve, CCG

What am I filling myself with? It's a question I ask myself whenever I fall flat on my face after not trusting God in something.

Having grown up in church and coming from two strongly devoted Christian families, there are areas of life where I would expect myself to have mastered. (If not mastered, at least more disciplined.) There have been times in my life where I have had consistent daily devotion time. Sat down, read my Bible, talked to God in-depth and sought His filling presence. These times have lasted days, weeks and even months at a time.

I cannot recall whole years where I was committed. I have seen the difference in life, especially as an adult. I see the blessing, the joy and the strength I have when I allow God to fill me. To be honest, I don't know how serious I was about a day to day relationship with Christ when I was younger. I struggled with a lot of sin growing up and looking back, I'm surprised I survived to adulthood. I loved Jesus but my flesh won battle after battle as a teen. I didn't trust God and I filled myself with the world.

I've read recently about teens walking away from the church after they graduate high school. (It was in the NYTimes and I love having that newspaper app on my phone.) I can relate to the kids drifting away from church because I did. And that was a decade ago. (Oh my word, can I really say that? I'm getting old!) Granted there were a number of factors leading to me walking away from God for nearly four years of my life but still...

The point is I still am not doing my devotions on a consistent basis. Blogging did not help like I thought it would. (I don't have internet at home now so that makes blogging a little more challenging.) Different books have not helped. Accountability partners have not helped; as much as I love them, they are only people and people left you down. Turns out there is no magic switch to becoming disciplined. There is, however, this notion of perseverance.

So here's what I'm going to do this week.

1) Pick a spot in my apartment where I can do devotions. I'm thinking the desk in the living room or the corner in my bedroom by the window. I like the idea of setting up a little chair and stand in the bedroom because then I won't have the temptation to have the TV on. I've got an extra fold out chair and I can set up a little TV stand tray to hold my Bible and books and journal for now.

2) I'm going to pick a time. Not sure how that's going to work out. My best is in the afternoon or evening. On days I work obviously I'll have to do it later in the evening. But I also have evening engagements so I need to go around that. And I don't want to stay up too late if I work the next day. BUT I will find a time or maybe times, depending on the day of the week.

3) I will not give up. I want a deeper, closer relationship to God and He will satisfy that desire when I do my part. Like any relationship, I have to put effort into it to make it work.

And God is so worth the time. He is what I need and what I want to desire more than anything. Jesus is what I want to be filled with to overflowing. I'll end with a quote from Pastor Steve in this morning's service:

Rejoicing is a way of praising God until the heart is sweetened and rested and until it relaxes its grip on anything else it thinks it needs.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice!" Philippians 4:4 (NIV)

I Need a Great Big Savior

2011-01-13T17:01:00.000-05:00

This is a great song by Betsy Walker that I have related to in the past....and I find myself there again.

My capacity for goodness is great, as is my capacity for evil. I need Jesus desperately.

I'm Not Nostradamus

2011-01-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

But I was right--so far, it has been a looong winter. Sigh. I've been crazy busy or crazy tired. It's a vicious cycle.

I managed to stay current with my wed nite bible study. We finished our fall study, a book called Becoming a Woman of Balance. It was a fantastic study from the Women of Faith series. I definitely grew and had many great discussions.

But I totally got behind on BSF. I missed a week because I volunteered in the kids' classes and then I missed a week for bad roads/weather. Then we went on break for the holidays, so I haven't seen anyone from my group for a month!

Thankfully I've got a great friend from last year who I get together with for dinner and such. We really like sushi. I'm thinking my next birthday should be at a sushi place. Mmmm...

Anyway, the long and the short of it is I haven't been very diligent about devotions or prayer or reading my Bible. And that was not good. I had a few days where I didn't use my light box and I could feel the lethargy and darkness dampening my spirit.

On the bright side, I had a four week streak getting to church on Sunday morning! My longest streak for being at my home church this year. And I did it in the last bit of the year.

I listened to God about a couple of things: the first is I'm going to start volunteering with the youth at church. Second, I'm going to start helping out at the connection cafe on Sundays at church. Obviously when I'm not at work...

Continuing on Isaiah and will finish catching up on my BSF homework tomorrow. Next study for the Wednesday nite is a book on 1, 2, and 3 John by Dee Brestin.

Gonna Be a Loooooooong Winter

2010-11-16T20:40:00.001-05:00

So after much struggle and ups and down I am feeling good. Coping well with life and work and the dreary season upon us.

It has been quite the adventure the last month. I was a zombie for a few weeks. I saw it primarily at work. I was there, I did my job but my heart was not in it. I did the bare minimum. And I was miserable most of the time. I think I even stressed out myself too the point I got sick. My boss had to send my home early one day because I just could not function between the sinus pressure and headache, my eyes hurt and everything was incredibly loud.

There were some occasional good days and moments but secretly I cried a lot. For no apparent reason mostly.

I didn't sink too far into depression. I made myself go to my small group, Wed night Bible study, and BSF. Yes I'm in all three again. I know it's a lot of bible study but I really need accountability and frankly the fellowship. I managed to reach out to everyone and ask them to pray for me during the last month. And I managed to get out on days off and have lunch with friends or help baby-sit or hang out and stay grounded to reality.

And once again I'm learning my lesson that God must be my all. He's the only reason I have been so joyful at work this week. God is who I truly work for and He is the one who ultimately cuts my paycheck.

I can't rely on others to always help me. I can't trust my feelings. I can't allow my feelings to control my actions. My friends and family are WONDERFUL and I know their prayers and time with me and love make all the difference in the world.

But they are only human. And in the dark of the night when it is just me facing...whatever...God is the one who is with me. Jesus has promised to be with me always. He has never let me down and His faithfulness and love are so great I can hardly fathom them..

And so I am digging in the Bible studies I am in. I want to want to desire God and His Word. I want to want to fall in love with Jesus.

And the word is true...God does reward those who seek Him and He will be found!

Hebrews 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

1 Chronicles 28:9

“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.

Joshua 1:5

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 86:15

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Psalm 57:10

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

More on coping with depression on Beyond Mikki's Smile blog...

Whoo Hoo BSF has started again

2010-09-14T15:44:00.000-04:00

So I'm very excited that BSF has started back up this year. I really like my group already; there are a couple girls from my group last year in my group this year!

I'm excited about studing Isaiah. There was an amazing number of ladies there for the first night. There's lots of groups and the sound of all of us singing the hymns was incredible.

The overview of Isaiah was pretty good. I didn't know that Isaiah is the least studied book in the Bible. But I did know it was the most quoted Old Testament book in the New Testament.

The biggest thing I took away from the 1st night was the first principle: A godly lifestyle combined with words of God's truth profoundly influences family, friends and culture.

God Provides

2010-08-27T21:51:00.000-04:00

So today was a big day for me. Moving day! There were many things about today that were easy, thanks to wonderful friends God has given me here in Indy. There were one or two items of the day that could have derailed the whole process, or so I thought.

Then I prayed. It was amazing the sense of relief that came through me. I was still a little nervous but I trusted God would provided what was needed for the situation to resolve.

And I saw God move. Not just in what I asked for, but far more what I expected.

I love having personal relationship with my Creator. One who knows me better than I know myself; especially to the point that He knows my needs even more than I do.

He's blessed me in so many ways today. Friends, a new place to live, safe travel for my parents and godly fellowship. And so many laughs.

"I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Phil 4:10-20

I saw it today, God moved. Praise Jesus; I saw Him in every face that helped me today.

Thanks for today God. I look forward to our adventure together tomorrow.

Summer of ?

2010-08-24T22:54:00.001-04:00

It has not been an easy summer. There has been lots of fun, great discussions, lots of biblical truth discovered and memorable moments.

Trust has been the biggest issue I've dealt with this summer. Do I live my life exhibiting my trust in God? When I sin I'm truly saying to God, "I don't trust you with this Lord."

There are so many reasons to trust Jesus, I can't imagine putting them all down right now. I'd never get to bed!

In the end I'm learning that I cannot put my trust in me, or things of this world, or even other people. All the above are tainted with sin; imperfect and fallible.

Jesus on the other hand is God. He is always faithful and perfect. He will never let us down. How do I know that? I believe the Bible when it says as much. And the Bible says it a lot. Here's just a few...

Psalm 40:4
Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

Psalm 86:15
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Psalm 20:7
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

Psalm 117:2
For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD.

Isaiah 25:9
In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

Psalm 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Deuteronomy 7:9
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.

Deuteronomy 32:4
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.

Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 36:5
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Psalm 37:28
For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;

And lastly, one I memorized as a kid that still moves me today....

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Technology is great...when it works that is...

2010-05-13T22:50:00.000-04:00

My computer is still toast. There has been a lot of craziness in life the last couple of months. Not a lot of time to think, let alone blog. Hope my brother can fix my computer....

So not committed...but maybe I should be

2010-04-18T23:51:00.000-04:00

I haven't post in a while. After I got all excited about getting back to posting I got too busy to blog. Sounds like a good excuse but it's not. And now my computer is a little, shall we say, malfunctioning. It's an older laptop, from 2005. Ancient in computer terms. And it won't boot.

The good news is up until the week I'd been doing my Light Therapy consistently and regularly. This week I let other priorities get in the way and I slacked off. Not so tomorrow morning. I'm getting up early and spending some time with God before I drive back to Indy to help my friend move.

Plus I need to finish my BSF homework too. My heart has been breaking as we go through the last few chapters of John. There's so much I didn't know historically about the Jewish legal system in Jesus' time. I feel so blessed to have the Old and New Testaments to be able to see the complete story of God's plan for humanity. To see all the OT prophecy fulfillment in Jesus' birth, life, death and resurrection.

Like Pilate, I have often asked what the truth is and I have had questions. But as Hebrews reminds me,

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead. By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:1-6

I think I am honestly seeking Jesus. This week I look back and I admit I have not earnestly sought after Him. This upcoming week I want to change that.

Hope I get back to blogging more this week. I like pouring out my brain on the page.

It's a bird...it's a plane...it's Scripture Girl!

2010-03-05T21:11:00.004-05:00

Just a quick note to appease those who have called for more blogging. I do apologize--I tend to write less when I'm not depressed. Trying to change that. It's not easy. You know what "they" say, 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't teach an old dog to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.' Or something like that....

I'm developing a rep I rather enjoy. For my Wed night Bible study I've been really digging into the Word to look for verses that support my answers and my thoughts. I was initially timid about sharing all I'd looked up. And I only share about half of what I look up because I'm thorough.

But then a couple ladies shared how they had looked up some of the scriptures afterwards. Someone really took to heart one of the questions and was encouraged by the scripture I'd found and shared.

I think it's the influence of BSF. Now, with BSF, the digging is confined to the passage currently being studied. There are occasional challenge questions where one can go anywhere in the Bible for answers/support/wisdom.

How cool that this mentality is spreading to other facets of me? I really enjoy pouring through the concordance and rereading or sometimes reading for the first time some nugget of Truth that God has written for all of us.

It is so wonderful that God has left us this instructional manual in the Bible that it holds all the answers we need.

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

More later.

Plus I've got a new artist on my horizon...Check out Owl City...

Devo (the plan not the 80s music group)

2010-02-09T22:24:00.000-05:00

So I know that you're reading this and are just dying to know how my devotions are going. Well, it's going well. I was over ambitious even in my "small" plan.

This was actually a big plan....

1) Read the scripture that goes with the Daily Bread entry
2) Read the Daily Bread entry
3) Read the Chapter of Proverbs that corresponds to the day's date
4) Write in S.O.A.P. journal about one of the Bible readings of the day
5) Write down prayers

The part of the plan that has gone really well is this: eating within an hour of waking up and doing my daily quiet time before I get to play with my blackberry. The first thing I look at is my Daily Bread email. Then I grab the bible I keep next to my bed and read the scripture that goes with the devotion.

I've actually been getting up at 0430 on my work days. That gives me time for devotions, getting ready and out the door to get to work a little before 0600. (I work a 10 hour shift from 6am to 4pm). I've been enjoying getting up and praying on my way to work. It has truly been a delight!

For days I'm off, there's no computer, TV or blackberry before devotions and some prayer time. That has held up. Praise the Lord!

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I am getting in the habit of a weekly meeting with a friend of mine. Currently we're meeting in a coffee shop that shall remain nameless because I don't want to plug their overpriced coffee. You know the place.

My friend and I meet and just spend time doing our separate devotions. We talk a little at the beginning and occasionally share an insight or answer but mostly we just do our our thing. We talk a bit afterward, catching up and sharing.

We plan to get together to spend time by ourselves. Sounds silly but its really great. A mutual friend of ours suggested it and we've found that we enjoy it. It's great for just having someone there to study with; it's someone with which to be accountable.

As for serving...I have found mostly "small" ways to serve others. By the quotation marks I mean I think they're small but I don't know that for sure. I can't say what impact I've made.

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So I'm off to tomorrow soon. I'm going to work on improving my quiet time in the morning and doing more. I guess I'm going to have to be patient with myself as I grow. With God all things are possible.

I dare you to find God tomorrow and be joyful. I know I will look for Him.

Heaven's Eyes

2010-02-02T19:13:00.004-05:00

To say I struggle with how I see myself is a bit of an understatement. Whatever it is that blocks me from seeing my true self, the beautiful lovely daughter God sees I get a glimpse here and there of who I really am. This song from the Prince of Egypt soundtrack is a good reminder that we can't really see the way God sees. He knows the impact of our every thought and action and random bit of kindness. I can only be obedient, plant the seeds and trust Jesus' promises.

Generosity

2010-01-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

God is pretty good about sending us messages. We just have to listen.

Case in point--the devotion I journalled about today was concerning Matthew 20:1-16. It's often found with the heading 'The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard'. The story Jesus tells is about a vineyard owner who goes out and hires workers early in the morning to work in his fields that day for a denarius.

As the day passes, the owner goes out again at the third, sixth and ninth hours of they day, offering work and telling the other workers he would pay them whatever was right. The owner even goes out at the eleventh hour and finds still some workers left to hire.

The end of the workday comes and the owner tells his foreman to call the workers so they can be paid their wages. He starts with those hired last and pays them a denarius for their labor. Those who were hired at the first of the day saw this and assumed they would be getting more. When they get a denarius, they grumble about the unfairness of the pay.

The owner's response is what struck me today. He points out that the workers agreed to a day's work for a denarius at the beginning of the day. They should be content and go. BUT more than that, the owner wants to be generous. He wants those hired last to receive the same pay. The owner asks doesn't he have the right to be generous with his money?

Fast forward to tonight...I'm visiting Mount Pleasant Christian Church on the weekends I work because they have a Saturday evening service. (Since I work the day shift that kind of excludes a Sunday morning service and I'm relearning I need to be in a corporate prayer/worship/teaching atmosphere weekly to be refreshed and energized to follow Jesus.)

MPCC's January series has been titled, wait for it....Contagious Generosity!

Seriously, God can speak volumes if we just pay attention. So what will I be doing to be more generous? I'm going to increase my regular offering first. Then I'm going to fulfill my faith promise to CCG as the year passes. And as soon as I sit down this weekend and finish my budget I'm going to find some extra money to donate to a couple organizations I partner with that are in Haiti continuing to help the relief effort.

I'm so psyched.

Daily Discipline

2010-01-29T22:00:00.000-05:00

Apparently discipline doesn't happen overnight. Well, I knew that but once you make a plan and start working it, it gets a little frustrating when you trip up at first.

It takes something like 21 days to form a habit so I'm going to keep plugging away. Devotions have been small but have been happening. The journalling plans have not happened every day but like I said I'm going to keep going.

The neat thing has been my prayer life. It's starting to come back quickly. At the least the how part. Again working on the when and making it a part of my day. But it's feeling more natural already which I think is pretty cool.

And how like God is that? In Jeremiah God speaks through the prophet and says,

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jer 29:11-13

God doesn't hide from us when we look for Him. He wants us to seek Him, go to Him, and find Him.

So I'm going to keep seeking God.

Very Cool Song by Francesca Battistelli

2010-01-23T21:35:00.002-05:00

This a great song that's really picked me up.

Devotion Plans

2010-01-20T23:24:00.001-05:00

I have learned much this last week. I had a great response to my informal survey on devotion and prayer time among my Christian friends. (See the previous three posts for those details.)

So now that I have all this information at my disposal, what am I going to do with it you might ask? Well I'll tell you. I have developed a plan for me to start out with.

My new devotion plan involves eating within an hour of waking up and doing my daily quiet time before I get to play with my blackberry. This takes into account my work days when I'll be at work doing my devotion before getting started. I've started to make a habit of getting to work early anyway so now I can do my devotions in that time. For days I'm off, there's no computer, TV or blackberry before devotions and some prayer time.

The one exception is for now I'm getting the Daily Bread email until the little booklet comes. I'm allowed to look that up on my blackberry. But once I start getting the little devotional booklets no blackberry.

That's the "when". This is the "what". I'm starting out small.

1) Read the scripture that goes with the Daily Bread entry

2) Read the Daily Bread entry

3) Read the Chapter of Proverbs that corresponds to the day's date (There are 31 chapters of Proverbs, so that works out for a month of reading.)

4) Write in S.O.A.P. journal about either the Daily Bread entry or the Proverbs chapter

5) Write down prayers

So that's the plan in a nutshell. Today was good.

Two other items I'm dedicating myself to are for my mental state of health as much as my spiritual.

The first is, I'd like to establish a place to go in the morning to do my devotions mon my days off. Somewhere where I can become a "regular".

The second is I'm going to look and seek service opportunities both big and small. It could be as "small" as helping a friend with some home projects. It could be as "big" as photographing Table of Christmas again. The point is, I want to pray about what ministry God wants me in and go for it.

That's all for now. And maybe all for the week. We'll see.

God bless.

Devoted Part III

2010-01-19T12:47:00.000-05:00

In no particular order another six friends throw their two cents in about daily time spent in the Word and prayer.

The first of a pair of BFFs (seriously they are like two peas in a pod) said that she liked to read just before bed. Something that has helped her focus on God was referring to scripture when she wrote. Did I mention she’s a fellow writer? She also spoke of her desire to start memorizing scripture again.

The second BFF responded said that when she was younger she kept a Bible beside her bed and read a chapter a night. Now, she does a morning routine, reading her Bible and doing morning meditation at the breakfast table. She raised an interesting point—she does not mandate a time limit. Her focus has been on concentration. Three minutes of undivided attention to the Word can often be enough, rather than sitting there for a prescribed time when her mind might wander.

I like her thoughts on prayer: “anytime and often”. I can hear her voice in my head saying both words with emphasis. Both friends stressed the importance of a “closet” to shut the door on, isolate yourself and pray, be it a spare room or bathroom. Hmm. There’s that bathroom idea again. I thought only guys read in the bathroom. Maybe they’re onto something…

One of the most unique answers for prayer time came from a family friend who says it’s an easy question to answer. She prays and focuses on God while she exercises, instead of focusing on how much she’s sweating.

One of my friends from choir joined the flock of folks who do their daily quiet time in the morning before breakfast. She thinks of Bible reading and prayer time as spiritual food, which is a very good way to look at it. It’s the nourishment for your soul.

The last two friends to mention couldn’t be more different. One has several small children and a very busy day time, so she does devotions after midnight. She is yet another person who mentioned having devotional books in bathroom. She also keeps her Bible by her bed to read. She listens to Christian stations in the car, when she has a chance. Sometimes she is just quiet and prays while driving.

If after midnight seems extremely late for some of you, another friend does his in the morning during just as work is getting started. There’s a natural break at the beginning and he takes advantage of the time to be with God. When he had to be up in the early am for work, he did his devotion time in the evening. He raved about the pros of journaling as a way of prayer and working out thoughts. The item that stuck out to me was his thought to be honest with God when not wanting to be in the Word or pray. My friend has a point that God already knows our hearts and minds. God is looking for us to be real with Him. My friend also said, “do it anyway”.

Well, that’s it for the majority of responses I got back. It was wonderful to get everyone’s ideas and hear about their times with God and the Bible and prayer.

Now, time to synthesize my plans. What will I do to stay in the Word? How will I focus my thoughts to prayer? I’ll post my ideas tomorrow.

Devoted Part II

2010-01-18T16:30:00.001-05:00

I am very blessed to have been part of several Bible studies over the years. Currently I’m kind of in three again. I didn’t really plan on that, but so far it’s been crappy. Mostly because I’ve been depressed. Now I’m thinking God allowed me to get involved with all three groups again because there are people in each group that I need to connect to. I only hope that even in my current state I can return the blessing and be used by God in the Bible studies.

Both former and current Bible study leaders said their devotions are in the morning. The first is before breakfast, for 20-30 minutes of study. The second is first thing every morning. She also adds that she views “quiet time as non-negotiable.” She likens her time with God in the morning as part of schedule, as much as showering or flossing teeth. She added that it was important to follow through with the commitment, often regardless of feelings.

Another facilitator reminded me to not only 1) Make a plan but 2) Make a choice to follow through with the plan. Wise words. Her method is well known; she reads a proverb a day plus a chapter from another book. Proverbs having 31 chapters, a number of months having 31 days…coincidence? I think not!

No less than three friends emphasized being in a group and having accountability. Is it any wonder that we humans desire community? God has designed us not only to want it but need it. People are must to succeed in walking in faith. Life cannot be lived alone. It takes others to support, encourage and come along side the journey.

One of these friends mentioned I needed to focus outside myself, and not on the depression. She is so right. My focus needs to be on God, not me.

One of my friends out west is listening to an audio Bible and reading it as she listens. She and her husband are going thru Bible in 6 months. I have not made it thru the Bible in year. Or the whole thing ever I think. Well, that’s going to change. They’re inspiring me. But not all in six months, I want to sleep sometime. :)

(I must be doing better, my sense of humor is back.)

The last friend I heard from had some of the best advice for praying without ceasing. She wrote “just take a few minutes to pray when quiet comes…“Be still and know that I am God” She doesn’t have a spot, a particular book, or journal or even routine. She stops and takes a moment to pray wherever the moment comes. And somehow, she says amazingly, the moment always comes. I think it’s that she anicipaties and looks for it—that’s how she finds the moment.

She’s now keeping devotionals in every room to grab whatever is closest when she has 5-10 minutes. She’s focusing on flexibility.

Tomorrow the last of the survey on devotions.

Devoted Part I

2010-01-17T16:13:00.001-05:00

Recently I enlisted a bit of help from family and friends. I am struggling with doing devotions every day, reading my Bible, and dedicating myself to a time of prayer. I have been very selfish with my time and ignoring God a lot. When I started to ignore my friends and skip Bible Study, I realized things were going too far.

I surveyed, in a most unscientific manner, the patterns and routines, or lack thereof, of those I knew professed belief in Christ. What did they do for devotions (or daily quiet time as it often known as)? How did they ensure prayer was a priority? What had worked in the past and what was currently working for them? When did they take time to read the Bible and spend focused time with God?

Starting with some good ‘ol maternal advice, my mom had a number of suggestions for me.

Start small. Read a little devotional article (one of those tiny one page book thingies) with breakfast.
Write a few sentences of a prayer/spiritual to do list. Such as:
1. find 3 things I am thankful for today--and tell God about them
2. read my Bible Study thingy for Wed. night (you seem to do a lot of Books but also read the Bible, so maybe find time later to read that stuff)
3. call my accountability partners and check in
4. write my blog entry
If you have more time later, read more!

Good advice, mom. I have managed to get some of those done this weekend.

I have a couple cousins who are pastors and one sent me a link for his church’s website to download some study materials that might help.

His advice was to use a
• S.O.A.P.Y journal (see title link and go to the Resources and then downloads for the journal packets)
• Write about everything
• Less sugar, more veggies!

He is not the last to mention eating right and getting exercise. In fact, his wife mentioned exercising and being healthy; not necessarily conforming to some artificial image society says I have to fit. She also had some good ways she makes time for God. That seems like it would be hard with four kids. My cousin mentions
• Devotions during afternoon naptime
• Flexibility because her routine had changed many times over the years
• Pray while driving and just be quiet before God

My aunt had a rather appropriate idea, since I am fond of music and can carry a tune. She said it’s good to look up and sing old hymns and gospel songs.

“Tune” in tomorrow for more.

Does Not Follow

2010-01-13T16:18:00.000-05:00

I'm on autopilot. I'm ignoring God, starting to ignore family and friends. Not reading my Bible or doing my bible study work. Not listening to sermons on my weekends at work.

So why do I feel "okay" most of the time? Why do I still see God's hand moving in life, often right in front of my eyes?

God is good. That is the truth. God's blessings and sovereignty are true even if I am not. I am unfaithful; God is eternally faithful. I am false and deceptive; God is true and doesn't change.

Where do we go from here?

What Makes Me Mad

2009-12-14T23:14:00.000-05:00

I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

For your Maker is your husband--the Lord Almighty is his name-- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:5

In my last post, I mentioned a brother in Christ was upset* over the lack of single men who were also godly men, strong in their faith. He drove away from a party I'd hosted, talking to his wife and just couldn't believe that two smart, beautifully spiritual women could still be unmarried, referring to my roommate and myself. *Upset was not the word he used, but I haven't decided if 'pissed' is a cuss word or not. :)

My friend talked to me about it and the fact that he was angry that there are so many idiots out there. I had to laugh at that. It was refreshing to hear a guy lament the situation in life I find myself in. I tend to think no one but my single girlfriends really understands what's going on. Sure, the married girlfriends have been there, but they're married now. Their perspective is certainly and definitely invaluable but it doesn't always feel sympathetic.

So where ARE all the available godly men?

There's not a lot of them in church. At least that I've seen. Having been a part of the young adult leadership in the past, I can safely say from my experience that many young single men who are Christians aren't coming to young adult activities or singles groups.

Maybe they're just not at the churches I've been to.

One thing has become clear. Well, several things actually.

1) There are relativity few single men who are strong men of God. I'm sorry if you are reading this and are one, but you gotta admit: you're an endangered species.

2) A lot of the single guys you find at church are there because of a girl. That may or may not mean they themselves believe in Jesus, but they certainly want to be with said girl and if said girl is in church, so will they.

3) Many of the strong godly men I know who are married didn't necessarily start out the relationship or even marriage as a strong godly man.

There are some exceptions to that--I can list a couple friends right off the bat who are blessed that their husbands were strong men of God from the beginning. That doesn't mean they're perfect men; they're still human and they still fail and stumble and don't do everything right. But the glue that holds those husbands and wives together is Jesus.

And a couple of them have had a talking to from me. My favorite story is about a couple I know who are both dear friends. When they started dating I pulled them aside and told him that basically if he ever hurt her, they'd never find his body. We laughed about it, still do but the truth is I would totally go through with it if I had to. But I know I won't.

So, the questions that comes to mind are--am I setting my standards too high? Am I demanding too much of a potential husband? I don't think I am setting myself up to a life of no man matching up, but I'm open to the possibility I could be wrong. However, there are a number of things that are non-negotiable traits when it comes to a husband as far as I am concerned. I'm not willing to settle. I'm not sure I'm willing to lower the bar of expectations. Right now, I'm determined to not worry about it. It ultimately is up to God whether I marry. I hope and pray that I am able to discern His will in all my present and future relationships.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11

To Marry or Not To Marry, That is the Question

2009-11-16T00:00:00.003-05:00

The topic came up again tonight. A brother in Christ shared with me that he recently asked his wife, "How does that happen? How is it that two beautifully spiritually women are not married?" He was talking about my roommate and I. I told him I had many times asked the same thing.

He explained he had come to the conclusion that we were both waiting for a spiritually mature man of God. And he had thought out loud to his wife, there aren't any. Well, he acknowledged they do exist, they are simply few and far between. And he's right. (He's also a little angry about it but that's another blog).

I'm frustratingly at peace with my singleness right now. I'm okay with it, but I'm struggling to figure out what it means. What does a life serving God as a single woman look like? How do I know I'm fully committed and devoted to Him as my first love?

The biggest question in my mind has been and still is this: if I never marry, if I remain single til Christ returns or I die (whichever comes first)---will I still love God? Will I still serve Jesus if God never brings the man into my life he's prepared for me? If there is no man prepared for me? Will I still follow Him? Do I trust God that my future will be full and complete and content without a husband? If I never fall in love with a man who falls in love back, will I still love Jesus?

Yes.

No matter how wonderful my potential future husband might be, no matter how amazing he might be, no matter how loving, compassionate, Christ-like, romantic, tender, strong he may be, he will always be only human. He will let me down. He may hurt my feelings, neglect me sometimes, take me for granted, forget an important date, forget to listen to me, get me a power tool for Christmas or hang out with his guys too long and miss dinner.

But Jesus won't.

Jesus will not let me down. He won't forsake me. He is the perfect first love because he is perfect. He is God. He will always love me, and always cherish me. He'll never let me go. He can live up to those absolutes, where a mere mortal, human man cannot.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:8a

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:5

There is no man here on earth that can live up to all the Christ can and should be to me. Christ can fulfill me like no man, actually no one, can.

It may happen. It may not. I can't pin my future hopes and dreams on someone like that. I can, however, do that with God. He has bigger dreams and plans for me than I could ever imagine. They may or may not include walking down the aisle. And I think I'm okay with that.

Slacking Off

2009-11-10T00:01:00.000-05:00

Totally sucking sand this week. Sounds harsh but I have been very neglectful of my time with God.

Add to that I downloaded the wrong week for BSF and didn't realize it until I got to discussion group tonight. Luckily I wasn't the only to make that mistake in my groups so I didn't feel totally stupid. It's an easy mistake to make.

So I got to read a verse out loud. And at the end I mentioned some sites I've used for cross reference purposes. They are www.bible.com, www.blueletterbible.com and www.biblegateway.com, and they're three great sites.

I've got the correct lesson this week. And I've got an assignment--praying for one of the ladies in my BSF group. Our discussion leader told us to write down the name of the woman to our right and this week, daily pray for her to be in the Word daily, and to daily pray for past ongoing requests she has shared with the group. So I feel an obligation, but in a good way to set aside that prayer time this next week. To get serious about talking and listening to God.

In all my "rest" I haven't really been studying or practicing the two disciplines I read about on my retreat. My rest has been mostly inactive. And mostly watching TV or sleeping. And I think I've been creeping into a little depression. I tried to combat that by getting out of the apartment and getting some exercise but I pushed too hard and felt like I set myself back health wise this weekend.

Where does that leave me right now? To be a little cliche, it leaved me sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm already done with winter, I need spring. Or at least one of the light therapy boxes. I didn't realize what a facade I'd put on while I was 'resting'. Now it's cracking.

One of the ladies mentioned a couple verses from the following Psalm for a challenge question. It's a good thing for me to focus on. My help doesn't ultimatly come from meds or people or my will power or my strength--it comes from God.

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Oh yeah, I slept a lot this weekend and had nothing to blog about. Hope you didn't miss me too much.

I started to read Romans...

2009-11-05T23:19:00.001-05:00

Romans 1:20 says,

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

I've been thinking about this and I've often been prone to thanking God for the weather and His creation. I know I don't always like the weather but I think it's important to remember God set it all in motion and continues to guide it. I really enjoy the changing of the seasons. Seeing God's plan for the earth in action is beautful. And the life applications found in the cycle of life, nature, the idea of death and rebirth are so obvious from a biblical point of view.

There's a wonderful song by Nichole Nordeman called Every Season (Copyright Arisoe Records). The lyrics are wonderful:

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children´s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun & wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been & what´s to come
You are autumn

And everything in time & under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that is new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season´s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

The awesome power creation has and can wield is mind-blowing at times. The amazing and vivid colors, majestic landscapes, incredible ocean horizons, the height and depth and width of some of the most amazing natural wonders of the world are breathtaking. I'll admit It's not always pretty. Sometimes it's even tragic when it comes to tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes and other natural disasters.

But the rising and setting sun. Full moons. Starry nights. A babbling brook. A rushing waterfall. A range of snow capped mountains that are your morning view as soon as you unzip your tent entrance. The moose that happens to be less than 100 ft from your campsite. The rapids of a raging river. The gentle song of tall grasses rustling in the evening breeze. There's so much more beauty to behold than there is destruction.

My favorite is definately the night sky. I enjoy visiting the Holcomb Observatory at Butler campus almost every year (sometimes several times a year). Seeing the planetarium show, looking the biggest telescope in the state of Indiana open to the public (there's one larger but not public). This year some friends and I explored the grounds and gardens. That was fantastic! But there's nothing so intoxicating for me as a night sky lit up with sparkling stars and planets.

Lyrics to another song. Michael W. Smith had a b-side release that I've rarely heard played. And it's prehaps one of the most gorgeous songs about praising God he's ever written. (I think) :) It's called Evening Show (Copyright Michael W. Smith). I added italics for emphasis on my memorable lines.

On a cold and cloudless night
In a field of amber grain
A gentle spirit guides the wind
Oh, and settles on the plain
Big sky, red glow
Behold, behold the evening show

I set my face against the sky
I feel my heart at rest
In a palace filled with mighty works
Oh, this might have been His best
Sun down, see glow
It's time to watch the evening show

Oh velvet black, the moon burns bright
Orion is on high
A thousand, million trails of light
Reminds me of the fourth of July
Aim high, move slow
Stand back, and watch the evening show

I cast the worries to the ground
They trouble me no more
I sense the peace that's only found
When I wander through Your open door
Aim high, move slow
Stand back, and watch the evening show

It's more, more than we can know
Be still, and watch the evening show

There's so much beauty around. I say, take some time to enjoy it. Bask and meditate on God's amazing handiwork, outside your bedroom window or a walk through your neighborhood park. Seek Him out in nature and you will definately find him.

It may be chilly but the colors are fall are still around. Get out there and praise God for the season!

Psalm 98
A psalm.

1 Sing to the LORD a new song,
for he has done marvelous things;
his right hand and his holy arm
have worked salvation for him.
2 The LORD has made his salvation known
and revealed his righteousness to the nations.

3 He has remembered his love
and his faithfulness to the house of Israel;
all the ends of the earth have seen
the salvation of our God.

4 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth,
burst into jubilant song with music;
5 make music to the LORD with the harp,
with the harp and the sound of singing,
6 with trumpets and the blast of the ram's horn—
shout for joy before the LORD, the King.

7 Let the sea resound, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it.

8 Let the rivers clap their hands,
Let the mountains sing together for joy; 9 let them sing before the LORD,
for he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
and the peoples with equity.

A blog explaining why I don't want to blog today

2009-11-04T21:07:00.000-05:00

I don't want to blog today. A sister in Christ that I just met a couple months ago passed away.

It goes back to the end of September. The Taste of CCG is this neat woman's event where all these ladies submit recipes for a cookbook. They all cook and bring them in and everyone votes for their favorite. There's a speaker and fellowship and it's a really neat evening.

This year, some ladies had the great idea to put together meal and dessert trays to be delievered to some of the homebound members of the church. I joined my friends Medina and Rachel D in delivering to several people. A couple of the visits were busts; the person we were coming to see was out or not in their room.

One of the ladies we met had a visitor. We had a good chat with both of them. She could tell stories! Oh, she had some great memories that she shared with us. She's been at CCG a long time and had a couple funny memories.

The last stop we made was a couple at their home. (The other three had been in the same village complex. Different buildings. Really neat retirement care place.)

This couple was amazing. The husband greeted us at the door and welcomed us in. We talked with him for a length of time and got to meet his wife when she woke up. They were wonderful to talk to.

I had been thinking this last month about calling up Medina or Rachel and seeing if they'd like to go with me to visit the couple again.

And then today this prayer msg from church came. At the top of the weekly prayer sheet was the news of this wife's passing. It hit me.

After having talked to this couple just once, I am sure of her eternal destination. Yes there is joy when a loved one is out of pain. Yes there is comfort when one is confident of seeing a loved one in heaven and reuniting. But there's still the pain and loss of those left behind. There's still a hole in the lives left behind.

So I don't want to blog. I know I just did. But I don't want to blog today. Why is it still so hard to say good-bye even when we know there's a hello down the road?

And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. 2 Thessalonians 4:13-17

Not Much to Say

2009-11-03T22:21:00.001-05:00

Again not much to write. Finishing up the Pen Pals booklet. Got the biographies formatted and inserted. Got the two page contents list done. Wow. It's a lot of work. I'm really enjoying putting the booklet together but I am very glad it's almost over.

Haven't actually read my Bible yet today. Had thought I would on my lunch break but had to cut that short. It was a good day at work, I prayed a little instead of just letting my mind wander or focus on the music.

Listened to Sunday's sermon on the way to work. It's a tough one about extras. What are my extras and what am I doing with them?

I'm putting my extras to use right now paying down debt and supporting a couple new missionaries. I also took a leap of faith and made a faith promise for church last week. That's where our missions funding comes from.

           And one out of the multitude said unto him, Teacher, bid my brother divide the inheritance with me. But he said unto him, Man, who made me a judge or a divider over you?
           And he said unto them, Take heed, and keep yourselves from all covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
          And he spake a parable unto them, saying, The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully: and he reasoned within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have not where to bestow my fruits? And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my grain and my goods.  And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, be merry.
          But God said unto him, Thou foolish one, this night is thy soul required of thee; and the things which thou hast prepared, whose shall they be? So is he that layeth up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.

Luke 12: 13-21

Kinda resting...sort of...I guess

2009-11-02T21:38:00.000-05:00

Not much to say. Haven't done much today. Still resting.

Plugging away at the Pen Pals booklet I was planning on having done before this last weekend was over.

But that's been good for me. Reading through all the wonderful ladies' writing is really encouraging and uplifting. I can't wait to get the finished product out. (Look for it in your stocking this Christmas...)

Passage I poured over this morning is Psalms 148

1 Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord from the heavens,
praise him in the heights above.

2 Praise him, all his angels,
praise him, all his heavenly hosts.
3 Praise him, sun and moon,
praise him, all you shining stars.
4 Praise him, you highest heavens
and you waters above the skies.
5 Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for he commanded and they were created.
6 He set them in place for ever and ever;
he gave a decree that will never pass away.
7 Praise the Lord from the earth,
you great sea creatures and all ocean depths,
8 lightning and hail, snow and clouds,
stormy winds that do his bidding,
9 you mountains and all hills,
fruit trees and all cedars,
10 wild animals and all cattle,
small creatures and flying birds,
11 kings of the earth and all nations,
you princes and all rulers on earth,
12 young men and maidens, old men and children.
13 Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for his name alone is exalted;
his splendor is above the earth and the heavens.
14 He has raised up for his people a horn,
the praise of all his saints,
of Israel, the people close to his heart.
Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord indeed!

Rest? What's that?

2009-11-01T16:00:00.002-05:00

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Exdodus 33:14 The Lord replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

Levitcus 23:3 There are six days when you may work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of rest, a day of sacred assembly. You are not to do any work; wherever you live, it is a Sabbath to the Lord.

I don’t know how to rest. I really don’t. I know how to be lazy. I know how to do very little. I know how to slack off. I know how to goof off. But rest? Not sure I’m equipped for that.

My doctor said I needed at least two weeks of good rest. I countered I had to work three days next week. She came back with basically, do less.

So out went the trip to Chicago last Thrusday. Out goes Zionsville excursions. Out goes a trip to Kansas City I wanted to take next weekend. Out goes my small group (lots of kiddies). Out goes any Wednesday nite Bible study cameos.

Out goes BSF, though I'll probably cheat and show up for my small disscussion group so I can get next week's notes & lesson. I may even have to cancel my trip in a few weeks to Kentucky, but I'm aching to see my parents and what's gotten done on the house.

However, there is next to nothing that will stop me from going to Iowa in mid November to see my family there. I already cancelled a couple months ago because I was sick. By then I should be much more rested and able to do it.

Overall, this is really frustrating. My body is not cooperating with me. I’m sick for the third time in about a month. First a 24 hour bug, then a big ‘ol nasty flu and now a sinus infection developed from a cold last weekend.

Ask anyone who knows me—I’m a go-go-go-go-go-girl. I’m on the move, the girl with plans, literally places to go and people to see. Not out of necessity, but I enjoy the time with people I care about. People are important to me. There may be some deeper meaning to my busy schedule.

Lev 25:4 But in the seventh year the land is to have a sabbath of rest, a sabbath to the Lord. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards.

Psalms16:8-10 I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

Psa 62:5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Psa 116:7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

Something I learned recently on my retreat was that I do not like silence or solitude or being by myself. I’m taking it on faith that I am not by myself. God is always with me. But silence and solitude are going to take a while to get used to. (Granted with a roommate, weekends I'm hardly by myself)

Perhaps I book myself up with so many people, places, trips and volunteering so that I don't have to worry about having much 'alone' time. It's not hard to fill up a schedule to the point where you have to start planning days of relaxation.

I was at that point a few months ago. Medina first suggested it to me. I tried to plan some days like that. Guess what happened? Things came up. I helped a friend with a home project. A party got scheduled on that date over there. An appointment needed moving to this date here. So the 'rest' days that were scheduled for Sept-Oct-Nov-Dec have all been thrown out the window by something.

Silence and solitude seem to go hand in hand with rest. That’s why I bring them up. I think I’m going to try to have some of my time off be devoted to study and silence (i.e. less TV) and solitude. I have a Pen Pals Booklet to finish putting together today. So far this weekend, the TV thing has been struggled with. Hopefully I can keep it off more Monday when I'm home alone.

Isaiah 57:20 But the wicked are like the tossing sea, which cannot rest, whose waves cast up mire and mud.

Jeremiah 6:16 This is what the Lord says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, 'We will not walk in it.'

Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Add to this the recent thought that I don’t like rest because I don’t want to act depressed. When I hit the lowest of my depression all I did was rest. Sleep and watch TV in my room at college. Mostly the same at home. There was some reading too. I didn’t skip a lot of classes but I did some and there were days at a time that I didn’t leave my room. It was too easy to order pizza to be delivered and venture out only for the bathroom.

The principle that I've picked up from a number of sources, most of them through pastors or other Christians, is "acting your way into a feeling" It's very true that actions can dictate your emotions. I don’t want to just sit on the couch or sleep in bed because at least subconsciously I’m scared of encouraging old bad attitidues and feelings. I think I know that I won’t become depressed but the doubt kind of looms in the back of my thoughts.

In my mind for me to rest is to be unproductive. That’s just not something I can let myself be. I can’t slow down but I don’t understand why. So the next couple or few weeks will be very interesting and very, very hard. This past week has already been difficult.

I’m going to have to say no a lot in the next week and half. I can’t suggest a lot of activities. I probably need to do less for the rest of the month, if not year. Hopefully I can be productive in a different way, as I pray more, study more, and listen to God more.

Half of me is scared I won’t know what to do with myself. The other half of me is scared I’ll have a life changing experience. The other half of me wonders if I can do it. The other half of me wonders how I got fours halves…

Mark 6:30:32 The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.

Hewbrews 4:9-10 There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his.

1 John 3:18-19 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence.

P.S. The photo link from the post's title is located at The Holcomb Planetarium and Observatory.

Retreat Wrap-Up Part 1 of 1

2009-10-31T23:16:00.000-04:00

I did stay up late reading and taking notes and listening to what God, the Bible and myself were all telling me. So I did not get up at 0530 for Vigils and Lauds. Not that I had planned on it. I'm a bit of a night owl.

I did let myself sleep in a little but I made sure to get up and breakfast. It was a beautiful morning, though perhaps a little drizzly and slightly cloudy.

After the continental breakfast, I went back to my room for the last couple hours I had it before check out. Mostly read and listened. The previously mentioned thoughts, notes and epiphanies occurred over both days.

Check out time was 11am but I didn’t have to leave the grounds or anything. I wandered down the hall and plopped down into one of the quiet rooms. It had a great view of some of the grounds and the cute little gazebo out front. I did some reading but I also studied the views. One of the forms of meditation Foster mentioned in Celebration is meditating upon creation.

I have to say I think I’ve already done this on many occasions. I enjoy the outdoors very much. It inspires me and excites me and enthralls me. Some of my best poems are about nature. Some of my best photos are landscapes or water.

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work or his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the earth.
Psalms 19:1-4

So I spent awhile admiring and studying the view. It rained off and on while I was watching. It was windy off and on. The trees danced. There were so many wonderful creatures outside. The most wonderful sight was this hawk.

Not only was the hawk flying high above the trees beautifully but he was soaring. I could see he was just coasting on some wind drafts. He circled around a number of times, so much I lost count. Then he swooped up and over a different tree and then swooped down a bit and then he actually had to flap his wings and he sailed out of my view.

It reminded me very much of a some verses in the Bible that speak of soaring like eagles, or soaring on the wings of eagles.

but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint
Isaiah 40:31

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Psalms 103:1-5

When I finally tore myself away and went to lunch in the dining hall, no one was there yet. Even though it looked like the food was ready I sat down and did some reading while occasionally glancing out at the new view. From the dining hall, you can see the Abbey very well. It was so pretty.

I enjoyed lunch and the view. Then I sat outside drinking in the quiet and taking some quick shots of the church. But it was cloudy. So I just sat and waited. Sure enough patience paid off and the sun came out and brilliantly lit up the Abbey.

It was a great note to end the retreat on. (Well that a quick stop at the gift shop. I budgeted $100 for the retreat and only spent $76 on room & board. So I got a magnet and a few little Christmas gifts. It was nice buying some things that the monks make to support them.)

Well that officially wraps up the retreat. I know I want to plan another one for the future but my budget tells me I should wait until 2010 for the next one to St. Meinrad.

Tune in tomorrow for thoughts on rest. And my lack of knowing how to do that.

Retreat Revelations Part 3 of 3

2009-10-30T23:27:00.003-04:00

Sooooooooo I didn’t read very much of Celebration of Disciple. Just two chapters. But they were good chapters. Meditation was the subject of chapter 2. One of the first things that popped out at me was a quote from Carl Jung that said

Hurry is not of the Devil; it is the Devil.

There’s an entire blog dedicated to that topic later so we’ll move on for now.

Apparently God desires my fellowship. And yours. Don’t ask me why because I still don’t quite understand why. One of the ways to be in fellowship with God is meditation.

This is not to be confused with most Eastern religions view of meditation. Eastern meditation is focused with detaching oneself from the world and losing your identity. Meditation in the form Foster is addressing for Christians is about "ruminating on God’s Word", listening to God and filling your mind with God.

While Eastern meditation simply empties the mind, Christian meditation doesn’t just empty the mind of evil and selfishness and self, it goes further and fills the mind with goodness. As Foster puts it, “detachment is not enough; we must go on to attachment.”

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—thing about such things. Philippians 4:8

I agree with Foster in that I think meditation is a little intimidating. I do tend to think that there’s some certain way it has to be done and I could never be as great as the spiritual giants of the past or present. I probably over-think it as well: having a scientific mind, I want logic and reason and the order.

Above all however is my FEAR. I’m scared of meditation. That’s what I found out on my retreat. Foster says it himself on page 24 of Celebration “To be in the presence of God is to change.” And the sad fact is, a lot of times I don’t want to change. Not that I just don’t feel like it, but that I consciously make the choice not to. Foster goes on to say

It [meditation] boldly calls us to enter into the living presence of God for ourselves.

No human mediator. No human priest. No pastor. No parent/grandparent. No family member. No friend. Ourselves. In the living presence of the Creator of the universe. The Almighty God. The Great I AM. That’s just downright scary. And beyond intimidating. And humbling. And confusing.

The fact that I am scared of meditation is probably related to my fear of silence and solitude. Meditation can certainly be done anytime, anyplace but Foster does point out that a beginner is probably best practicing a formal or certain time and away from all the hub-bub, best found in a designated place. On page 27 he writes

If we are constantly being swept off our feet with frantic activity we will be unable to be attentive to the moment of inward silence.

The two forms of meditation that Foster mentions that I would like to be trying out are meditation upon Scripture and the exercise he called “palms down, palms up.”

Meditating on the Scripture is “internalizing and personalizing the passage” (pg 29) versus study which is about exegesis. Foster suggests taking small portions, like a few verses, an event or a parable and really develop it in your imagination. Place yourself there in the story or verses.

The other form, “palms down, palms up”, is a symbolic gesture to God. In the palms down portion one turns over all the cares and worries one has to God and say “palms down”. Then release it to God. Then one places your palms up and receives from God whatever is needed. Foster suggests praying silently and notes that impressions or directions may or may not come, and both circumstances are okay.

Tune in tomorrow for a quick wrap up of my second retreat day.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:14-16

P.S. Thanks to my dad for being the first to catch all my spelling errors of the word 'meditating' which I was spelling 'mediating'. So sorry for any confusing on the first post. Evertyhing should be corrected now.

Retreat Revelations Part 2 of 3

2009-10-29T09:40:00.001-04:00

The second thing that came out of my reading Celebration was the idea that I’m scared of silence. And being alone. I definitely still have some solitude & abandonment issues which are completely irrational and downright silly. I fill my time with so much noise at work, at home and in the car. There’s always music or TV or the radio or something going to fill the void.

There are a number of steps that I told myself I had to take when I got home. It wasn’t easy to start. It isn't easy to continue.

Step One—I have to cut back on my TV again.

I was very much addicted to TV in high school. It only got worse in college, esp. when I dropped into the lowest stage of my depression. I’ve fluctuated as an adult between better and worse. It was easier in many ways when I didn’t have cable. Luckily I have an understanding roommate who doesn’t mind parental controls being set. And I’ve happily rediscovered Disney, Nickelodeon and Boomerang.

So I’ve already made some strides. But just because I can watch it doesn’t mean I should. Those shows to get cut are Castle, Fringe, The Mentalist, 6Teen, and Stoked. I get to keep NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles, CSI: NY and the Disney and Nickelodeon shows. For now. And I really struggled getting rid of a six-part Monty Python documentary that recently aired and Monty Python & The Holy Grail. I did watch Grail before I deleted it. I probably shouldn’t have.

Step Two—I need to be daily in the Word.

I have slacked off major on this and BSF was supposed to be helping. It’s not and the problem isn’t with the BSF homework. It’s with me. It’s no one’s responsibility but my own to get into this habit again and stick to it. But I can’t do it alone; I have to have God’s help. And I need to figure out how exactly God’s going to help me.

Step Three—I must become daily mindful of my budget.

Again, I have slacked off on this. I am improving but not where I should be or even where I used to be. (And I admit I really hope Derek and Natalie don’t read this because I really don’t want them to be disappointed in me.) (Which is totally the wrong thinking! Shouldn’t I be more concerned about being a good steward to God?!)

Step Four—Work on scripture memorization

This is becoming a lost art to most of today’s Christian. Besides your pastor, how many people do you know that can rattle Bible verses off the top of their head? AND have it be relevant?

This week I’ve been working on Galations 5:22-23 and 6:8. Feel free to quiz me if you see me.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what my mediation related epiphanies were/are...

Retreat Revelations Part 1 of 3

2009-10-28T22:20:00.005-04:00

Ahh, the fruits of of study. It's pretty neat reading books and finding something new. That happens alot with the Bible. It also happened on my retreat with Foster's book.

A couple things popped out of my Celebration of Discipline reading. The first is from page four where Foster states,
Foster goes on to discuss how we humans try to overcome sin through our own willpower and determination. That thinking leads to certain failure.

Sin is part of the internal structure of our lives. No special effort is needed to produce it.

On page five Foster quotes Heini Arnold who says,

As long as we think we can save ourselves by our own willpower, we will only make the evil in us stronger than ever.

WOW! Like, helllllooooo Mikki! Talk about slapping me in the face with words. Ouch. The idea that my willpower doesn’t has any defensive position against an unguarded moment had actually not occurred to me in a long time.

I look back over the things I’ve struggled with the last few years, and even with Biblical counseling, I’m still trying to save myself in some ways. I’m still trying to work my way into God's good graces or earn my salvation all myself. Which defeats the purpose of God's GIFT of salvation and the GRACE and MERCY He FREELY gives us. I don't do the work--Jesus does. All he asks is to believe in Him, confess the disobedience to Him and accept the gift He longs to give.

There’s a great song by 1000 generations called Help Me Let Myself Be Loved (© 1000 generations). It's on the To Those Who Cry CD. The lines that came into my head were:

All I want is wanting more of me and
All I make is making it so tough
When it’s easier to prove my worth than take You at Your Word
Help me let me let myself be loved.

Find the full song lyrics here at their website, http://1000generations.com/music/lyrics/to-those-who-cry/help-me-let-me-let-myself-be-loved/ And check out their music while you’re there—they are an amazing group of musicians with real fire for God.The lyrics ring so true. I can’t seem to get over the idea of proving myself to get love. Proving my value in what I do and ignoring the value of who I am. Why is that? Is it because of society? Is it because I’m from a broken home? Is it because I’m a woman? Whatever the underlying cause may be, and I’m sure it’s a combo.

The point is I haven’t gotten it through my head that I am valuable intrinsically. Imageo Deo. I am made in God's image and I am a child of God.

Even with my friends, I wonder if it’s often about what I can do to serve them that gives me validation as to who I am. I’m not sure if it’s selfless service or selfish ambition. That kind of scares me. To know that I may not have realized my true motives behind my actions is unnerving.

Not that my life is lie by any means. I think I honestly like helping people, whether they’re my friends or not. I don’t think all my service comes from an attitude of pride and selfishness. But looking forward I’m going to have to more carefully consider my ‘yes’ and my “no” when it comes to requests. I want to be sure that what I’m doing is for God’s glory, not mine. I want the spotlight to be on him, not me.

Tune in tomorrow for the second revelation from my study time with God. And the talk I had to have with myself was not fun.

Retreat Reflections Part 4 of 4

2009-10-27T21:07:00.002-04:00

So I was sitting there eating and a lady who was not dressed as staff approached the table and asked if I was the one staying in the guest house. I said yes and she told me she was going to get a cup of coffee, implying to me that she would like to walk back with me. I finished up, cleared my place and then went down a couple tables to join her.

I introduced myself and she did the same. Her name was Barbara and she was an oblate. I had no idea what that was at the time and she didn’t offer an explanation, even a little while later when I told her I was not Catholic. She was a delight to talk to and invited me to Compline, which is the evening prayer time.

We ended up talking about a lot of things. Of note—she asked what I was. I started out with, I follow Christ. To me, that is the most important identification anyone can make. I mentioned my diversity of Christian denominations; I grew up in the Assemblies of God, my brother and sister-in-law go to a Baptist church, my dad and step mom attend a Christian & Missionary Alliance church and I attend a non-denominational church. (That’s not including the four different churches my relatives in Kansas City and Liberty attend or any of my other extended family in Iowa or the rest of the country.)

After she asked, I made a point of saying that I had discovered as an adult that denominational differences were insignificant in the light of eternity and that what mattered was the belief in Christ as Lord and Savior. If the basic biblical truths are shared, what does the minutia matter? We didn’t end up discussing it, but she did mention that one thing we wouldn’t agree on would be the Eucharist. (I know there are other points we would not agree on but again we didn’t discuss them.)

We talked about work and pets and job schedules and phone plans and kids with their technology always in hand. It was a pleasant chat. I won’t share more details about our conversation because you don’t need to know.

We went to Compline. Not being Catholic I didn’t mess with the Holy Water outside or bow to the statue of Christ on the cross inside the church. And I didn’t kneel on the bench during Compline or sing the prayers to/about the Blessed Virgin. I just followed along and let God’s presence envelop me. I focused on the words of the Psalms that were read.

As we walked back we ran into Br. Maurus who is the retreat director. He and Barbara are friends and they chatted as such on our way to the guest house. He asked if I was a friend of hers here for the weekend. I told him I was only there for the day and night and tomorrow because there were no rooms available for more time. He was disappointed to hear that but I told him I thought I would be back.

I parted company with them at the front desk when Br. Maurus was looking through the directory to get a hold of another Br. that Barbara knew and had yarn for. (This other Br. makes hand knitted scarves that are available in the gift shop. It sounded like the yarn is mostly donated.)

Barbara had mentioned morning combined Vigils & Lauds at 0530 and though I didn’t tell her I wouldn’t attend, I didn’t think I would make it up in time for that. I planned on going back to room and being led by the Spirit in my study time, pray over the requests in my prayer journal and catch-up my BSF homework. And being a night owl naturally I guessed I would be up late. I was right.

Tune in tomorrow to discover what I discovered. (Most of my revelations will be shared. Not all)

Retreat Reflections Part 3 of 4

2009-10-26T21:31:00.001-04:00

After the freak-out and unpacking I had explored the guest house a little just to get my bearing and get comfortable with the surrounding, and I had paused by the front desk. I picked up an info brochure about the guest house. Thankfully it listed all the meal times and I had discovered the guest house dining hall on the quick little self tour.

I set my alarm but I ended up heading to the dining hall early. I thought it was weird that I got there under ten minutes early and the kitchen area was still dark and locked up. I sat outside for a little bit until I heard someone clanking around.

That lady that I had almost run into earlier was in there. Checking the drink machines and clearing the trays left over from lunch. I went in, got another glass of cranberry juice and sat down. We smiled and acknowledged each other. The time crept by and about 5:40 or so I got up the courage to ask the lady if I was in the right place for dinner.

She was shocked to say the least. She asked if anyone had told me to go to Newman Hall for dinner. Apparently she had been told there was no one in the guest house to worry about for dinner and she should just set up for the continental breakfast next morning for six. She explained the students and everyone else were over in Newman Hall eating family style. She asked if I knew where Newman Hall was.

When I told her it was my first time here, she asked if I trusted her. I said yes immediately. She said to come jump in her car, ‘cause if she didn’t drive me there I’d miss the food. She also told me she’d find me some dinner no matter the case.

In the couple of minutes it took to drive to Newman Hall she explained she’d been up since a quarter after 5am. There was a group of 95 Fransican monks for a breakfast this morning, after they left a group of 75 priests from Louisville has arrived for lunch, then there was this family style meal for the students. Family style is more challenging to put together as a meal because everything is grouped into servings of six. So there’s much more work involved.

She actually thought I was some teenager from town hanging around having some free juice! I told her how flattered I was about that. Which I really was flattered. I mean I’m thirty and she thought I was maybe 18. How cool is that? (Second time it's happened this year too!)

As we exited the car at Newman Hall I told her my name was Mikki and she said hers was Gloria. I thanked her and told her how grateful to her I was. We walked in and went through the kitchen to the dining area. She was looking for a seat as everyone was seated in groups of six and only where there was an empty seat would there be food left.

There happened to be a seat left at one of the few tables with a Fr. in robes who I ended up sitting by. A couple of the gentlemen kindly got up and one got me a napkin, another, a glass I think. Gloria located a roll. One of the students cleared some of the dishes out of my personal space. No one had been there so that seat had been the catch-all for discard stuff.

It was wonderful roast pork with apples and augratten potatoes, and green beans. And the roll that Gloria had wonderfully found at another table. The students were polite; they asked where I was from, what I was doing at the Abbey this weekend. They actually tried guessing what church I attended but I only said no to their inquiries. The Fr. then indicated they were going to pray but he turned to me and assured me I could stay seated and continue eating. I thanked him.

It was only after everyone left, when the Fr. asked me where I attended that I shared I wasn’t Catholic. He apologized for his erroneous assumption and I told him it was quite alright. He told me he hoped I had a blessed time at the abbey.

Tune in tomorrow to discover the lovely lady oblate I met after dinner.

Retreat Reflections Part 2 of 4

2009-10-25T13:38:00.003-04:00

I finished the glass of cranberry juice and walked outside to a courtyard. I almost let myself get run over by a lady directing a tray rack to the kitchen. She and I exchanged pleasantries but she had no idea how uncomfortable I was.

Out in the courtyard I could smell smoke. I had found the staff’s smoke break area. I sat down in the double sliding chair and tried to get a handle on myself. I couldn’t. I wanted to get into my car and just go home.

I called Melissa T. I had been meaning to call her again. We kept missing each other this past week and playing phone tag. Almost as soon as I opened my mouth, I wanted to cry. I told her I couldn’t do this. That I felt out of place and uncomfortable.

If you knew my friend Melissa, you’d know immediately she was not about to coddle me. I think I appreciate that about her the most. She doesn’t pull punches and she doesn’t sugar coat what needs to be said. She’s upfront and speaks her mind.

Melissa told me I couldn’t go home. She said new experiences are raw and uncomfortable because they’re unfamiliar and new and real. She told me I was strong enough to stay. She reminded me that I didn’t have to cut myself off from civilization and that I was never really alone. That I had to figure out why I didn’t want to be by myself.

Melissa said that I had as much to talk about with myself as I did with God. That I needed to figure out why I was so scared to be here. What was going on (obviously something significant) that I was willing to just blow off this experience, get in my car and drive three hours back home?

I took a deep breath, well, many deep breaths, and started to repeat what she was saying in my mind. And out loud to her. She recommended going back to my room and unpacking everything. Melissa stressed the point of making myself comfortable physically in my room first, then the emotional comfort would follow. I needed to go back and make the room my own space.

Back in my room I took everything out of the bags. I put the toiletries in the bathroom area, the clothes away in the dresser and pulled out all of the materials out of the messenger bag. I took out the road trip food supplies and put them on the dresser edge by the ice bucket. All the bags unpacked, I fully explored the room, checking out all the lights and the bathroom and the window shade and the desk. Also took a quick tour of the guest house area. More on that later.

It was all done pretty quietly which was a little weird. No music, no TV, no other person around. Just me. Then I settled in the comfy chair in the corner, put my feet on the little ottoman and started the first chapter of Celebration of Discipline. It’s on mediation. It seemed like a really good place to start.

I read and took notes and read. And listened. And took more notes. And argued with what I wrote down. And admitted I needed to do what I was writing down. (Which I struggled with when I got back but that’s a later blog too).

And then before I knew it, it was dinner time.

Tune in tomorrow to find out the fiasco dinner almost was…

Retreat Reflections Part 1 of 4

2009-10-24T22:03:00.008-04:00

I don't like change. I'm human. New experiences are scary and, well, new.

So what did I do this week for my birthday? I went on a 2 day-1 night personal retreat down in Saint Meinrad, Indiana. My first personal retreat. Appropriately enough I stayed at the Saint Meinrad Archabbey (guest house, that is).

(No, I haven't converted to Catholic. Yes, my birthday was in April but I'm celebrating all year long because I turned 30.)

So, what does one do exactly on a personal retreat? Well, I’m glad you asked. I got the idea from two books I’ve read this year. The first is Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and the second is Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Etheridge. The idea evolved into getting some intensive quality time with just me and God. An extended quiet time, if you will. I planned on taking some cues from Foster and doing some studying.

The drive was beautiful. Straight shot down 65 to Louisville (that's pronounced Lou-uh-vul for those non-Kentuckians) then 64 to 145 to 62. Okay, so after Louisville it wasn't so much a straight shot. :)

I was immediately stuck by the beauty of the Archabbey campus. Even the guest house was quite nice with a lovely entrance walkway. Click on the post title to get to the photo album on Facebook.

However, after I checked in, I struggled to figure out what I was doing. It was almost time for lunch and I had no clue where to go. The lady at the desk suggested going over to the Abbey for the midday prayers and going with the priests to Anselm Hall for lunch. I asked if I could walk to the church. I should have asked how to walk there. I misunderstood her or she misunderstood me. I ended up driving over. There was no parking.

So I drove back to the guest house, parked and walked through the guest house and over to the church. Naturally I was late. I slipped in the front door to the very edgest seat on the end. An gentleman on the opposite side of the room nicely came over and gave me a program. I followed along but was mostly lost since I’m not Catholic and was unfamiliar with what was going on.

I followed some of the folks out and still struggled to find the dining hall over behind the church. My stomach was churning and there were signifigant butterflies going on inside. I made my way into the dining area, following suit and leaving my bag outside in the hall with the others. Then I walked into the room.

It was wall to wall priests. In their civies, sure, but I knew they were all priests. I was out of place, and didn’t belong and wanted to run away. I maintained my composure on the outside and walked to the back to find the drinks. I had a glass of cranberry juice while I stared out the window at the trees, wondering what on earth I was doing here. What was I thinking?

Tune in tomorrow for the Part 2 of this series. I find encouragement.

Why So Hard?

2009-10-11T19:14:00.003-04:00

Another year of BSF, another incredible study and fabulous discussion group...that's theory at least.

I do have a great discussion leader with whom I think I've connected as well as a couple of ladies in the discussion group. It's a terrific cluster with a diverse cast of personalities and a good mix of single, married, and married with kids.

It's my second year in BSF. Last year was the study of the life of Moses. It was a wonderful study and a great introduction to the BSF formula. This year we're studying the gospel of John. And so far I'm really struggling with it.

I guess I kind of feel like one of the Jews that just didn't get what John the Baptist or Jesus was saying. It feels like something's not translating; as if I'm reading the Bible in the original Hebrew or Greek and can't make head or tails of it.

Except I know what they're saying. I believe what I'm reading is the truth (John 5:24, 5:31-38). I believe in the Son (John 3:33-36). I've become a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). I know Christ lives in me (1 John 4:13).

So why are these study questions so hard for me to answer?

I don't know. I'm still working it out. Speaking of, I should probably work on it right now.

To Be Continued.....

Praise God

2009-09-29T22:45:00.004-04:00

Falling on my face hard this week. Focusing on a couple of chapters of Psalms that my grandfather mentioned to me. Here's one that's quite beautiful...

Psalm 19
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard. [a]
4 Their voice [b] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

------------------------------
Praise the Lord indeed.

How Can Forgiveness Be So Hard?

2009-09-18T11:13:00.002-04:00

It's very weird. I'm just saying, the contradictions of humanity still blow my mind. I don't get me.

Forgiveness comes so easily at times. Other moments and situations it's a concerted effort. When it comes to other people it's natural to assume forgiveness will have to enter into all of one's relationships. People are flawed and fallen and will let you down.

There are some people that will enter your life who will let you down much less than others. But from my time on this earth I can guarentee that everyone you know will let you down, someway, somehow, sometime.

That's not to say the relationship will be permantantly damaged.

It could be in the smallest way in which a person fails to meet your expectations. Such trival matters are easy to forgive and forget and leave in the past. There are, of course, larger issues that will bend and strain your patience. These situations grow to mountain size and often appear insurmontable. At least at first glance.

Remembering the other person is 1) made in the image of God, 2) is fallable, and 3) is loved and forgiven by God reminds one that who am I to hold a grudge? When the Creator and Designer of the entire universe has chosen to forgive and forget, to separate our mistakes adn sins as far as the east is from the west? Who am I to say he's wrong? Who am I to say no, I will not forgive?

Yet the hardest person I find to forgive is me.

It seems very self centered. It is. Let's face it, I am a selfish creature. Being single lends to that attitude far too often. The illusion of being one's master, in control of my schedule to do what I please, when I please, where I please is very strong.

I sin. I stumble. I dive after this world and my own self desires and pleasures and my eyes focus down to me instead of being on Jesus. The world starts to fall apart. The tears flow in sorrow and shame and humilation and pain. I'm so unworthy of everything God has bestowed. Why does he continue to bless when I continue to fail him? How can he still love me when I don't know if I really love myself?

There's no real bright end to this blog. This is where I leave you, my reader.

My plan for today: I will get up and dust myself off and I will be faithful to my first love today. I can be true to God for today. That's all I need to concern myself with. I tell myself I forgive you. I tell myself I love you. I tell myself that the Messiah loves you. He'll never stop loving me, even when I find it hard to do myself.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins. Psalm 130

Tolerance, Love and Profanity

2009-09-16T22:39:00.004-04:00

Facebook can make it hard to be friends.

Don't get me wrong... It's been wonderful to connect to current friends I hang out often with, friends I barely see anymore and friends with whom I've completely lost contact. I've received and given encourgement and comfort and support more times I than I can count with both my hands and feet. There's funny comments, lots of photos and glimpses into the lives of people I can about.

That being said, FB was created by humans.  Thus, it is intrinsically imperfect. There are times when it is difficult to upload photos; occasions where there are servers issues that cause posts to be repeated or delayed. There are plenty of problems that can come from a free service. After all, the phrase "you get what you pay for" is cliche because it's true.

And some of those imperfect humans I call my friends use profanity.

I'm not a totally prude or snob.  I have learned to accept profane, vulgar and obscene language, jokes and other such from friends that are not Christians. They are of the world and that is how the world behaves. I still love them. Most have realized I'm not comfortable around that language and politely, kindly, modify their speech when they are around me.

(digress) Maybe I am a snob. But I don't think it's just because I'm a Christian. I'm a lover of the English language. For all its shortcomings and faults it's a beautiful expressive language and there are a myrid of words that have been lost over the years as people neglect to use them. Profanity seems to be the default for people who don't have a decent vocabulary. I know that's not always true, but that's the impression people give. (/digress)

What bothers me is the obscenities written on my friends' walls and comments and status areas. By my friends. I do realize language is fluid and changes. What was considered profanity even just 30 years ago is considered tame today by the world.

Aha! That's just it. That's what bothers me. As Christians we are called to be set apart from the world, a fancy word for that being sanctified. We are to be holy as God is holy. Leviticus 11:45 is one of the places God says so; "I am the Lord who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore be holy, because I am holy."   There are so many times in scripture where it makes this point of being set apart from the world. Here's just a small sampling...

2 Corinthians 1:12 "Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God's grace. "

James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. "

James 4:4 "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."

1 Peter 2:11 "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul."

1 John 2:15 "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him."

I'm a little disturbed by Christian frinds who obviously feel cursing is okay. I don't want to seem judgemental. I'm not saying they're bad people or not "real" Christians. I'm saying that that kind of language is part of the old self and life that are left behind and crucified when one makes a decision to follow Jesus. Not that we're perfect either; especially if one was an avid curser the occasional profanity is probably going to slip out. But it should not be done by carelessness or lack of paying attention to controlling oneself.

(I know most people won't believe it but I have actually sworn in my life. I'm not proud of the moments. I am a goody-two shoes in that I can count them on one or two hands. And severeral times it was in my head and not out loud. Though, of course, God still heard it and I knew I said it.)

It's not just profanity but course talk, lewd jokes, innapropriate sexual innendos, disparaging comments, sarcasm aimed at another person, and other talk is not beneficial though permissible (1Corinthians 10:23 states, "Everything is permissible"-but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"-but not everything is constructive.).

The standard for Christ followers should be to ask yourself "would you say this in front of Jesus"? Because he is always with us you already are speaking in front of him. What will he hear from our lips and mouths? The book of James 3:10 says, "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." What should come out of our lips?

Psalm 19:14 "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Psalm 40:3 "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

Pro 16:23 "A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction."

Mat 12:33-37 "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." [Italics for emphasis]

Mat 15:11 "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.' "

Where does that leave me on Facebook? I'm starting to take a stand. I've begun hiding folks who use profanity/vulgarity in their status lines. I have unfriended at least three people who've dropped the f-bomb in their status no matter who they are. The last one was just today. It hurt to take them off.

I'd like to see others take a stand as well. You control what you see on Facebook. Don't allow your mind to be filled with garbage. Choose to think on what is beneficial, constructive and uplifting. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." (Philippeans 4:8)

You may be reading this realizing you're one of the people I'm talking about. Please know I say this all in love. I do not want to condemn you but build you up to be stronger in your faith, as we're instructed to do so in Hebrews 10:24. It says, "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."

So next time you feel like swearing, do yourself a favor and grab a thesauras and come up with a better, more descriptive word. If you follow Christ, think about what he'd like to hear from you mouth instead.

Why I Can't Stand My Pride

2009-09-10T22:59:00.001-04:00

Uh....'cause it always comes before I fall?

Seriously, doing so well the last few weeks. On a total high spiritually and BAM! Helloooo temptation! Did I resist? A few days ago, not so much. I wish I could say I at least struggled a little. But I let myself be caught off guard. Sheilds down, no defensive measures activated....you get the idea.

Thank God for his grace and mercy. He loves me when I mess up. I talked with a good friend who reminded me that Christ died for my sins. All of them.

There's something I've heard from a couple pastors and read in a book recently. I can't remember any specific reference but I'm going to say it anyway. Either sin keeps you from the Bible or the Bible keeps your from sin.

So true just from looking at my life the last couple of weeks. So I dived back into the Word via, well, the Word. :) I'm also keeping Every Woman's Battle Promise Book close to me. Lots of great scripture grouped by promises. Example sections include 'I promise to show you my ways' and 'I promise you sweet surrender'.

The other book I'm reading right now is Living by the Book. Its by James Mongomery Boice and it is an in depth commentary for Psalm 119. A wonderful chapter in Psalms that I suggest reading. It's the longest chapter in the Bible and centers wholly on God's word and how important it is. The psalmist praises God's decrees and precepts and laws and commands and ways. There are very few verses in this 176 verse chapter that do not specifically mention the word of God.

Certainly if you are feeling like you don't feel connected to God, the answer I've found (and am refinding) is to dive head first into his word. The best way to know God is to hear his voice and he wrote an entire book for us!

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105

Every Woman's Battle Sort of Review

2009-09-01T22:57:00.001-04:00

This is an amazing book! Written by Shannon Ethridge, the full title is Every Woman's Battle: Discovering God's Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fullfillment. It is targeted at married women but also for single women who intend to get married someday and also for single women who have married friends that may need the occasional piece of "wise counsel", as Stephen Arterburn says in his forward. (Stephen is the author of the best sellng Every Man's Battle book series among other works)

I just finished it and plan on reading again this month dong the workbook this time. I have to say if you are a woman who follows Christ this is a must read. The battle for sexual purity, not just physical but emotional, mental and spiritual is a very under-talked subject for women. That very much needs to change if we are going to be fully mature women of God.

There were so many "wow" moments for me, when I just had to sit a moment and think about it. Or rereathe paragraph that just blew my mind. Ethridge's writing is very effective at relating to the reader but not to the point of coddling. She writes from a perspective of experience which not only gives her credibilty but authentic insight into the battle for sexual purity. Ethridge backs up her point with the ulimate source of Truth, the Bible. The passion she has developed for God and his word is inspiring and infectious. I hope to find similar passion for Christ as I begin to pursue him as my first love.

I will probably be blogging more about her book as I reread it and continue to draw from it. I have already recognized and changed some things in my life. And I can't wait for my personal retreat in late Oct for some intense, relatively isolated, time with Jesus.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

By Popular Demand, Part Duex

2009-07-28T21:33:00.000-04:00

Finishing up Dave's question "What does YAHWEH mean and how is that different than Elohim?" There are a number of sites that can be found such as http://mb-soft.com/believe/txh/namesgod.htm, http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Names_of_G-d/YHVH/yhvh.html, http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=52&letter=N, http://www.blueletterbible.org/study/misc/name_god.cfm#link14. These provide good information to get started. I know I really should get to a library and look up this stuff in actually reference books. The Internet can’t necessarily be trusted, blah, blah, blah… But the truth is I’m a child of technology. I don’t trust everything out there on the ‘net but there are a lot of great resources in cyberspace. At least that’s what I was thinking I would do. Then I procrastinated so long I figured I might as well go to the Indy Central Library and check it out. So I did. Anyway, back to God and the different names. What does YAHWAH mean? The simple answer is, well, there is no simple answer here. YAHWEH is not found in the Bible, at least not with the vowels. In Hebrew it was written YHWH. According to Herbert Lockyer in his book ‘All the Divine Names and Titles in the Bible’ published by Zondervan in 1975, it is sometimes called the Tetragrammaton (meaning four-lettered name) or simply “The Name”. There are a number of other expressions used to refer to YHWH, as the reverence for this name of God was so high, it was feared to write it, let alone pronounce it. In ‘The Names of God’ by Ken Hemphill, published in 2001 by Broadman & Holman, Hemphill states that the Jewish scholars known as Masoretes took the vowels from Adonai and put them together with YHWH to create Jehovah. YHWH translates as JHWH in German, which is where the prefix J comes from. Lockyer mentions that most scholars agree that although Jehovah is probably not a correct rendering for The Name, it is so widely seen and has become familiar enough that it would not do to substitute something strange instead. YHWH, or Jehovah, is God’s proper name, occurring a whooping 6,823 times in the Old Testament. Hemphill points out that most English translations will use the word LORD in all capitals when translating YHWH. When God tells Moses “I AM WHO I AM.” in Exodus 3:14 (NIV), God is using His proper name so to speak. God is also giving the meaning of YHWH there in Exodus. It comes from the Hebrew verb “to be”. Hemphill says “Therefore, it [YHWH] is tied to the idea of life itself. “To be” is “to live”. “To be” at its very essence is to have life. Thus the name implies that God is absolutely self existent. He is the One who in Himself possesses life and permanent existence.” (Hemphill, 20) So what does Elhoim mean? In contrast to YWHW which is translated as LORD in all uppercase letters, where one sees the word Lord, in upper and lower case letters that is being translated from Elohim. From ‘The Names of God’ by Andrew Jukes, published 1967 by Kregal Publications, it was pointed out that Elohim is inherently plural, referring to God’s triune nature. As God speaks in the first few chapters of Genesis, this makes sense, if only builds on the mystery of who God is. Examples include Genesis 1:26a “Let us make man in our own image”, Gen 3:22 “the man is become like one of us”, and Gen 6:7 “Go to, let us go down and confound their language.” According to Nathan Stone, author of ‘Names of God’ published by Moody Bible Institute in 1944, Elohim expresses “the general idea of greatness and glory.” The word Elohim derives from the Hebrew “to declare” or “to swear”. Thus the idea of God’s convent relationship with mankind is established in His name. Seriously how cool is all that? I would not take my word for it. Pick up any of these books and check out the vast beauty that is found in the names of God. Hope that answers your question Dave.

By Popular Demand, Part One

2009-06-26T20:34:00.000-04:00

Well, maybe not popular demand, but certainly requested. So big brother Dave, this one's for you. Sorry it took so long. I really meant to blog more these last weeks but I didn't follow through. So Dave's comment went something like "Next blog you should include the most precious name I know: Jesus. Find out how we got from Yeshua to Jesus and what does it mean in Hebrew anyway? What does YAHWEH mean and how is that different than Elohim?" Good questions Dave! Those seem like pretty straight forward inquiries. They weren’t. It took a little digging for credible online sources and references books at my mom’s. My first stop was the http://www.behindthename.com/ site. I’ve had a lot of good use out of that site. Back when I was researching Gaelic and Irish names for my 2nd unfinished novel I was scouring websites to find names that suited my characters personalities. Here’s what I found there… JESUS Gender: Masculine Usage: Theology, Biblical Pronounced: JEE-zəs (English) English form of Ιησους (Iesous), which was the Greek form of the Aramaic name יֵשׁוּעַ (Yeshu'a). Yeshu'a is itself a contracted form of Yehoshu'a (see JOSHUA). Yeshua ben Yoseph, better known as Jesus Christ, was the central figure of the New Testament and the source of the Christian religion. The four Gospels state that he was the son of God and the Virgin Mary who fulfilled the Old Testament prophecies of the Messiah. He preached for three years before being crucified in Jerusalem. So that leads to Joshua and here’s what I found for that name: JOSHUA Gender: Masculine Usage: English, Biblical Pronounced: JAH-shə-wə (English), JAW-shwə (English) From the Hebrew name יְהוֹשֻׁעַ (Yehoshu'a) meaning "YAHWEH is salvation". Joshua was one of the twelve spies sent into Canaan by Moses in the Old Testament. After Moses died Joshua succeeded him as leader of the Israelites. As an English name, Joshua has been in use since the Protestant Reformation. Then we come to YAHWEH or YHWH. The actual pronunciation of God’s name has been lost since it was so revered by the Jews that they did not pronounce it. This is explained again in the description below. YAHWEH Gender: Masculine Usage: Theology Pronounced: YAH-wah A name of the Hebrew God, represented in Hebrew by the tetragrammaton ("four letters") יהוה (Yod Heh Vav Heh), transliterated into Roman script Y H W H. Because it was considered blasphemous to utter the name of God it was only written and never spoken. This resulted in the original pronunciation being lost. The name may have originally been derived from the old Semitic root הוה (havah) meaning "to be" or "to become". I checked out a couple other baby name sites. Here’s one that I found interesting. From thinkbabynames.com: The boy's name Jesus \j(e)-sus\ is pronounced JEE-zus, hay-SOOS. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "the Lord is salvation". Short form of Joshua, from the Hebrew name Jehoshua. The name of the biblical Christ is very frequently used as a given name in Hispanic cultures. Here’s another tidbit I found at about.com (http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/f/jesusoryeshua.htm): Yeshua is the Hebrew name for the Lord. It means "Yahweh [the Lord] is Salvation." The English spelling of Yeshua is “Joshua.” However, when translated from Hebrew into the Greek language, the name Yeshua becomes Iēsous. The English spelling for Iēsous is “Jesus.” So Jesus and Joshua are the same name; just translated differently. Pretty neat! Next Time….Elohim....

Things I Didn't Know Until Today

2009-05-21T21:56:00.000-04:00

First, the name 'Candace' is in the bible. Seriously I missed that! All the name meanings and origins were found at http://www.behindthename.com/. Second, the meaning of the name Candace, which is... CANDACE Gender: Feminine Usage: English, Biblical (Variant) Pronounced: KAN-dis (English), kan-DAY-see (English), KAN-də-see (English) [key] From the hereditary title of the queens of Ethiopia, as mentioned in Acts in the New Testament. It is apparently derived from Cushitic kdke meaning "queen mother". In some versions of the Bible it is spelled Kandake, reflecting the Greek spelling Κανδακη. It was used as a given name by the Puritans after the Protestant Reformation. It was popularized in the 20th century by a character in the movie 'Meet the Stewarts' (1942). That is so cool! I'm reading chapter 7 of the Untold Story of the New Testament Church by Frank Viola. It covers the years 30 A.D to 41 A.D. I'm also reading ahead. A bad habit I've had since I was a kid. See I'm in the second half of chapter 7 and we're only discussing the first half this week. But it's so good it's hard to put down and I keep bouncing back a forth with my bible looking up the scripture references. It's great. But back to Candace. It got me thinking about the meanings of other biblical names. My name is sort of biblical but my brother's totally is. Jon, which is short for Jonathan. Bet you're wondering where 'Mikki' is in the bible. It's not. And neither is my full name Michelle...but take a few steps and there I am...sort of. MICHELLE Gender: Feminine Usage: French, English Pronounced: mee-SHEL (French), mi-SHEL (English) [key] French feminine form of MICHEL. It has been common in the English-speaking world since the middle of the 20th century. MICHEL Gender: Masculine Usage: French, German Pronounced: mee-SHEL (French) [key] French form and German diminutive of MICHAEL. (Also MICHAL (2) Gender: Feminine Usage: Biblical, Jewish Other Scripts: מִיכַל (Hebrew) Possibly means "brook" in Hebrew. In the Old Testament she was a daughter of Saul who married David.) MICHAEL Gender: Masculine Usage: English, German, Czech, Biblical Pronounced: MIE-kəl (English), MI-khah-el (German) [key] From the Hebrew name מִיכָאֵל (Mikha'el) meaning "who is like God?". This is a rhetorical question, implying no person is like God. Saint Michael was one of the seven archangels in Hebrew tradition and the only one identified as an archangel in the Bible. In the Book of Revelation in the New Testament he is portrayed as the leader of heaven's armies, and thus is considered the patron saint of soldiers. I've most often seen Michelle defined as "who is like God?" or "who resembles God". No pressure with that name or anything! You can also take 'Mikki' to 'Mickey' to 'Michael'. But you know the old saying, eight one way, three-quarters of a dozen the other... So then my brother's name: JONATHAN Gender: Masculine Usage: English, German, Scandinavian, Dutch, Biblical Pronounced: JAHN-ə-thən (English), YO-nah-tahn (German) [key] From the Hebrew name יְהוֹנָתָן (Yehonatan) (contracted to יוֹנָתָן (Yonatan)) meaning "YAHWEH has given". In the Old Testament Jonathan was the eldest son of Saul and a friend of David. He was killed in battle with the Philistines. As an English name, Jonathan did not become common until after the Protestant Reformation. A famous bearer was the Anglo-Irish satirist Jonathan Swift (1667-1745), who wrote 'Gulliver's Travels' and other works. Which leads inevitably to David, of whom I know many. There are two in my small group and at least four currently in my address book. DAVID Gender: Masculine Usage: English, Jewish, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian, Czech, Slovene, German, Scandinavian, Dutch, Biblical Other Scripts: דָוִד (Hebrew), Давид (Russian) Pronounced: DAY-vid (English), dah-VEED (Hebrew), da-VEED (French), dah-VEET (Russian), DAH-fit (German), DAH-vit (Dutch) [key] Possibly derived from Hebrew דוד (dvd) meaning "beloved". David was the second and greatest of the kings of Israel, ruling in the 10th century BC. Several stories about him are told in the Old Testament, including his defeat of Goliath, a giant Philistine. Jesus was supposedly descended from him. But how about some of the dudes I'm reading about in the New Testament? PETER Gender: Masculine Usage: English, German, Dutch, Scandinavian, Slovene, Slovak, Biblical Pronounced: PEE-tər (English), PE-ter (German, Slovak), PAY-tər (Dutch) [key] Derived from the Greek Πετρος (Petros) meaning "stone". This is a translation used in most versions of the New Testament of the name Cephas, meaning "stone" in Aramaic, which was given to the apostle Simon by Jesus (compare Matthew 16:18 and John 1:42). Simon Peter was the most prominent of the apostles during Jesus's ministry and is often considered the first pope. Due to the renown of the apostle, this name became common throughout the Christian world (in various spellings). In England the Normans introduced it in the Old French form Piers, which was gradually replaced by the spelling Peter starting in the 15th century. Besides the apostle, other saints by this name include the 11th-century reformer Siant Peter Damian and the 13th-century preacher Saint Peter Martyr. It was also borne by rulers of Aragon, Portugal, and Russia, including the Russian tsar Peter the Great (1672-1725), who defeated Sweden in the Great Northern War. Famous fictional bearers include Peter Rabbit from Beatrix Potter's children's books, and Peter Pan, the boy who refused to grow up in J. M. Barrie's 1904 play. PHILIP Gender: Masculine Usage: English, Scandinavian, Dutch, Biblical Pronounced: FIL-ip (English), FEE-lip (Dutch) [key] From the Greek name Φιλιππος (Philippos) which means "friend of horses", composed of the elements φιλος (philos) "friend" and ‘ιππος (hippos) "horse". This was the name of five kings of Macedon, including Philip II the father of Alexander the Great. The name appears in the New Testament belonging to two people who are regarded as saints. First, one of the twelve apostles, and second, an early figure in the Christian church known as Philip the Deacon. This name was initially more common among Eastern Christians, though it came to the West by the Middle Ages. It was borne by six kings of France and five kings of Spain. It was regularly used in England during the Middle Ages, although the Spanish king Philip II, who attempted an invasion of England, helped make it less common by the 17th-century. It was revived in the English-speaking world in the 19th century. A famous bearer was the Elizabethan courtier and poet Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586). STEPHEN Gender: Masculine Usage: English, Biblical Pronounced: STEEV-ən (English), STEF-ən (English) [key] From the Greek name Στεφανος (Stephanos) meaning "crown". Saint Stephen was a deacon who was stoned to death, as told in Acts in the New Testament, and he is regarded as the first Christian martyr. Due to him, the name became common in the Christian world. It was popularized in England by the Normans. This was the name of kings of England, Serbia, and Poland, as well as ten popes. It was also borne by the first Christian king of Hungary (10th century), who is regarded as the patron saint of that country. More recent bearers include British physicist Stephen Hawking (1942-) and the American author Stephen King (1947-). SAUL Gender: Masculine Usage: Biblical, Jewish Pronounced: SAWL (English) [key] From the Hebrew name שָׁאוּל (Sha'ul) which meant "asked for" or "prayed for". This was the name of the first king of Israel who ruled just before King David, as told in the Old Testament. Also, Saul was the original name of Saint Paul before his conversion to Christianity. PAUL Gender: Masculine Usage: English, French, German, Dutch, Scandinavian, Romanian, Biblical Pronounced: PAWL (English), POL (French), POWL (German) [key] From the Roman family name Paulus, which meant "small" or "humble" in Latin. Saint Paul was an important leader of the early Christian church, his story told in Acts in the New Testament. He was originally named Saul, but changed his name after converting to Christianity. Most of the epistles in the New Testament were authored by him. Due to the renown of Saint Paul the name became common among early Christians, being borne by a number of other early saints and six popes. In England it was relatively rare during the Middle Ages, but became more frequent beginning in the 17th century. A notable bearer was the American Revolutionary War figure Paul Revere (1735-1818), who warned of the advance of the British army. Famous bearers in the art world include the French impressionists Paul Cezanne (1839-1906) and Paul Gauguin (1848-1903), and the Swiss expressionist Paul Klee (1879-1940). This is also the name of the legendary American lumberjack Paul Bunyan. SIMON Gender: Masculine Usage: English, French, Scandinavian, German, Hungarian, Slovene, Biblical Pronounced: SIE-mən (English), see-MAWN (French), ZEE-mawn (German) [key] From the Greek form of the Hebrew name שִׁמְעוֹן (Shim'on) which meant "he has heard". This was the name of several biblical characters, including the man who carried the cross for Jesus. However, the most important person of this name in the New Testament was the apostle Simon, also known as Peter (a name given to him by Jesus). Because of him, this name has been common in the Christian world. In England it was popular during the Middle Ages, though it became rarer after the Protestant Reformation. JOHN Gender: Masculine Usage: English, Biblical Pronounced: JAHN (English) [key] English form of Iohannes, the Latin form of the Greek name Ιωαννης (Ioannes), itself derived from the Hebrew name יוֹחָנָן (Yochanan) meaning "YAHWEH is gracious". This name owes its popularity to two New Testament characters, both highly revered saints. The first was John the Baptist, a Jewish ascetic who was considered the forerunner of Jesus Christ. The second was the apostle John, who was also supposedly the author of the fourth Gospel and Revelation. This name was initially more common among Eastern Christians in the Byzantine Empire, but it flourished in Western Europe after the First Crusade. In England it became extremely popular: during the later Middle Ages it was given to approximately a fifth of all English boys. The name (in various spellings) has been borne by 21 popes and eight Byzantine emperors, as well as rulers of England, France, Sweden, Denmark, Poland, Portugal, Bulgaria, Russia and Hungary. It was also borne by the poet John Milton (1608-1674), philosopher John Locke (1632-1704), American founding father and president John Adams (1735-1826), and poet John Keats (1795-1821). Famous bearers of the 20th century include author John Steinbeck (1902-1968), assassinated American president John F. Kennedy (1917-1963), and musician John Lennon (1940-1980). The third thing I learned today was that almost all the other names of people I know that I looked up turned out to have Hebrew or Greek origins if you kept going. That was very cool. In the meantime...what does your name mean? And are you living up to it? I'm going to keep working on living up to mine. I think it's going to take a while.

So Now What?

2009-05-20T22:34:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note today. Nothing ground breaking or earth shattering. Which is good because I like the ground right where it is. I was totally stuck today. I had eight questions for my bible study tonight (I was going to phone it in from KY) and I barely got two. I don't understand why I'm not getting more out of this study. Am I not opening myself up enough? Since I didn't get anything down for the questions I called to say I wouldn't be calling during bible study. Now I feel like I copped out a little but I don't feel guilty. I really had/have little to say. So today for my devotions I just dug into the Word and watched some Jellytelly. I really like Psalms, although Joshua almost sucked me in. (digress) You can find Jellytelly at http://www.jellytelly.com/. It's a somewhat new venture of Phil Vischer, one of the creators of VeggieTales. Except this is mostly puppets. Some animations, lots of live action stuff, and the cutest little puppet kid named Michael who's favorite movie is Star Wars. Very hilarious, biblically educational and often random so if you've got kids who like VeggieTales they'll probably enjoy this. Or if say you as an adult enjoy the delightfullness of a talking cucumber and tomato you too will like Jellytelly. (end digress) Psalms 37 is wonderful. I read it a couple times through. It's the scripture cited as the basis for the Cycles of Victorious Living book, but I don't think I'd read it since we started the study. Not the whole thing all at once at least. It's a beautiful forty verses about godly wisdom, and having the right attitude in the face of the adversity. It's about keeping your focus on God and trusting Him, no matter what happens to you or anyone around you. Easier said than done, I know from experience. It was hard trusting God to keep my brother and others I've known safe when they've served in Iraq. It was really hard trusting God back in 2007 when my dad had a life threatening stroke. But also so rewarding, something I also know from experience. My brother is home safe and sound. My friend in the reserves came back with his entire unit intact. And my dad is doing good for a guy who's had so many strokes. Dad's literally a walking miracle. So what's my conclusion for the day? Found it in Psalms 37: 23-29...

"If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; although he will stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand. I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed. Turn away from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever. For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off; the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever."

Longer note than I thought but that's okay. It's good stuff. As they say on JellyTelly...."It's in the Bible. Check it out!"

Always with the new beginnings

2009-05-12T11:01:00.000-04:00

Wow. A lot can change in a couple months. My first year in Bible Study Fellowship is now over. It's weird. I'm sad to be losing my discussion group. They're a wonderful collage of women from whom I have learned much. They've made me laugh, they've touched my soul and shown me perspectives I could never truly imagine on my own. In another week and half, my ladies Bible study group on Wednesday, which I lovingly nickname my McDanell study, will be finishing up our current book called The Cycles of Victorious Living by Earl and Hazel Lee. It's a good book and I would recommend it. A little birdie called the church bulletin, informed me the Wednesday night group would study Hebrews next. I hope that is true--I'm ready for digging into a book of the Bible study. Lastly, my small group has started a new book. (Yes, I was in three Bible studies this winter. No, I'm probably not doing that again). The book is something Dave L. was reading and thought we'd all benefit. It's called The Untold Story of the New Testament Church: An Extraordinary Guide to Understanding the New Testament. I HIGHLY recommend this book. Six chapters in and I'm hooked. It's a wonderful look at the book of Acts and the letters of the New Testament in the context of the historical times and audiences these letters were written. Lots of changes elsewhere. A friend at work resigned to move home to MI. I'm going to miss her but I am so happy she's made the right decision for herself. Unrelated, I'm getting more responsibilities in my job as well. It's a little nerve racking but I am trusting God to give me the strength to live up to my earthly bosses' expectations. There have been shift changes and corporate changes, none of which I have control over obviously but which affect me directly or indirectly. I trust God is soverign over everything, including my job. On that note, Monday was a day I truly worked for God. Did you know God's the one really signing your paycheck? That perspective changes one's attitude toward work in an extraordinary way. It certainly has for me the last few years. Monday was a new high though. It was an amazing day. I was exhausted when 4pm rolled around but it was a good tired. I got a lot accomplished, not in my strength but in Christ's. Then Monday evening the last BSF meeting came. I was so thankful to share in one more time of discussion with my group; getting to say good-bye for the summer was bittersweet and fun. And then I went and screwed it up later. After such a victorious day, I did not prepare myself for a crash into pride and selfishness and self gratification. It's no one's fault but my own. James chapter 1, verses 14 and 15 say this:

"but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death."

And now here I am, wondering who was that girl that wrote these other posts? How can I have so much trust and faith and love for God one day and the next struggle to find faith the size of a mustard seed? Or just outright rebel when what I want is the opposite? Why do I continue to do what I don't want to do and not do the things that I really want to do? I relate to Paul when he writes in Romans:

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Romans 7:14-20

"Praise the Lord, He's a God of second chances!" If you've seen Jonah the Veggietales movie you know that some angelic vegetables have a rousing gospel song of encouragement for Jonah in the belly of the whale. It is such a great song. And today I need to hear it. Jesus is all about second chances. I'm a wretched sinner that needs to know I'm not lost permanantly and remember I Christ has saved me from all the mess of my old life and self steeped in sin and depravity. Paul goes on in chapter 8 of Romans to outline that as a believer in Christ, we are free from the law of sin and death. That the Spirit of Christ is in me and I am not controlled by the sinful nature. That's AMAZING! I don't have to give in to sin. The power of Christ and God's Word give me the strength to resist temptation. My lesson for the day/week is not new for me: it's trust in God. I have a feeling I will continue to hear that lesson the rest of my life considering it's the part of my faith I struggle with the most. But again, according to Paul the victory is already Christ's. And because I belong to Him, it's mine too.

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!" 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

"No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neigher height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

I am free of sin and bondage and death in Jesus! And that is something to praise about.

This whole Lent thing...and Numbers 20

2009-03-10T19:28:00.000-04:00

I gave up Facebook for Lent. It wasn't my idea. I read about a father who was doing it and thought, that's not something I want to do really because I'm on Facebook all the time. Since I didn't want to give it up intially it seemed like a good idea. The first three days were really hard. I had to remove the Facebook application from my phone eventually. I directed all the emails from Facebook into a specific folder so I wouldn't be tempted to read them. So what am I doing instead? Not as much as I thought I would. I am on the computer less, which is a good thing. I realize much of my time on Facebook was out of boredom. I'm trying to remind myself of more worthwhile activites in the real world. Scrappbooking, hanging out *in person* with friends (what a concept!), playing board games, talking about Jesus, sharing Jesus, reading, and I know praying should have been sooner on the list but this is where it occurred to me to mention. I may have watched a little TV too. Okay maybe a lot of TV. But not as much as I used to. I started reading A Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. It's a wonderful book thus far and I'm learning a lot. I want to try putting more of the disciplines into practice. It's going to take a lot of work, but for God nothing is impossible. (Luke 1:37) I'm also reading and rereading the passages for BSF during the week. I actually forgot to do most of the questions last week. I just got so into the scripture. Reading it over and over and being shocked at how short the Isrealites' memories often were and similarly shocked that I can remember times when I've had the same short term memory problem when it came to God. Moving on into Numbers 20. Not a fun chapter so far. Like several times before the Isrealites came to a place in the desert where there was no water. Like times before they started grumbling to Moses. In my NIV Bible is says they "quarreled" with Moses. One of the questions on my BSF homework says to compare the first 13 verses of Numbers 20 with Exodus 15:22-27; 17:1-7 and Numbers 14; 16. The passages in Exodus are very similar situations--the Isrealites set out and camp where they can't find water. The Numbers passages are two situations of clear rebellion against Moses and invariably God, since Moses was in charge because God said so. So this is a situation Moses and the Isrealites have been in before. Except this time Moses gives the people water in a way in which God did not command. God said speak to a rock and it would bring water; Moses struck the rock with his staff. Moses & Aaron disobey God and their punishment is Moses & Aaron will not be entering the Promised Land. There's something about Moses not honoring God as holy that I haven't figured out yet. I hope the rest of the week's study sheds more light on that. Maybe I need to come back to it again as well. I think, intially, the punishment Moses and Aaron recieve for not getting the water the way God commanded seems harsh. They're not perfect but this is Moses and Aaron. God's chosen prophet and leader of the Isrealites, and God's first high priest from whom the priesthood line will descend. On the other hand I know how highly God values holiness. It's really really high. And Moses and Aaron, you would think after all they'd seen and experienced and witnessed, would have known to trust God's instructions. I'll keep reading and praying for the Holy Spirit to "illumine me" . Last thought is a hymn "Open my eyes that I may see". I don't sing is very often but it's very beautiful.

Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That shall unclasp and set me free.
Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me, Spirit Divine!
Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear;
And while the wave notes fall on my ear,
Everything false will disappear.
Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere;
Open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share.
Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed;
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead?
Only for light from Thee I plead.

On Guard

2009-03-07T18:06:00.001-05:00

So after three weeks of spiritual highs, I fell. I wasn't on guard. I not only let my guard down but dived right into sin. Which totally sucked! Was the sin fulfilling? Of course not! I just spiraled for a day and avoided God and reading my Bible and praying. That doesn't mean I didn't see God during that time; it was weird to still see Him in everything despite my disobedience.

It was a struggle to go to my Bible study Wed night. I really didn't want to. I felt wretched and worthless and unpure and unworthy to be amongst these ladies of God. But thankfully I ignored my feelings. I knew it was important to go. 1) My roommate's in the study so not showing up would make her concerned. 2) It was the last chapter of the study and I needed closure for the book whether or not I felt like it. 3) I needed to go. My soul needed encouragement.

I was determined not to talk however. I hadn't finish the chapter of our book (The One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven by Mark Cahill) and I refused to feel like a hypocrite commenting on stuff I hadn't finish especially in my current state. I was having a hard time asking God for forgiveness becuase it seemed hard. I felt bad for letting God down and it boggles my mind that He still loves me even if I screw up.

So guess what? I didn't talk. At first at least. There were a couple of general sciencey and grammar questions that I helped with but I avoided actual study stuff. And then I felt God tugging on my heart; telling me and showing me through these wonderful women that I was not alone. That I was loved and worthy of forgivness.

I realized why I didn't finish the last chapter. It's called Hit List. It's not about who's going to be on mine as far as sharing my faith goes. It's about me being on Satan's hit list. Which I totally was after all those victories the last few weeks.

While study was still going on I asked God to forgive my disobedience and help me draw the line to move on with Him. I want to be a pure, blameless disciple.

My lesson for this week is to watch my pride. I got so caught up in being victorious over tempation and sin that I forgot it wasn't by my will that kept from sin. It was the strength and willpower from God that got me through those three weeks.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my BSF study and prayer time to get to.

Last thought is a 1000 generations song called Only In Weakness:

I open up my heart
When I loose my mouth and let confessions pour out
I vulnerably commune with You just as I am when
I open up my heart

I will lay down my pride
I will hold nothing back, no nothing I’ll hide
Cause I want to have Your strength instead of mine, so
I lay down all my pride

It’s only in weakness can You be strong
In honesty is where my praises belong
You call me deep and deep I come to worship You

I will undress my soul
I’ll show You everything cause I want You to know
That I am Yours and Yours alone, so
I will undress my soul

With my mouth, with my heart, with my life, and my soul
With my love, and my adoration

2009-02-23T21:26:00.000-05:00

God is so good. No seriously, He's reallly goood. I'm on two weeks of consecutive devotions now. I'll be the first to admit that some days have been more productive and fruitful than others, but some form of prayer, scripture reading and mediation time with Jesus has happened. HOW COOL IS THAT?! The difference I see in myself from just two weeks of walking after/seeking God is great. I'm joyful even when it hurts to walk. I'm a smile factory. I see so much beauty in people. Not to say I'm perfect by any means. There were tests that I failed. I gave into having a bad attitude about someone this weekend. I'm trying to change my heart and debating whether I should say something to them. I sped on my road trip to Kentucky. Not terribly but still I was above the posted limit. (Yeah, it's a speed LIMIT, not a speed MINIMUM...still trying to respect that.) That's the great thing about God. I messed up; I repented and asked God to help me do better and He forgives. All that for all that, the real point of tonight's blog is from the BSF lecture tonight. Just studied Numbers 11 & 12 this last week for Bible Study Fellowship. In Numbers 11 it's just three days into the journey from Mt. Sinai to Canaan that the Isrealites start complaining to each other but in earshot of God. This happens a couple times. Through Moses' faithfulness and intercession, the Isrealites get more second chances and Moses gets help leading the people. Numbers 12 is Miriam and Aaron's jealousy towards Moses and his position of leadership and relationship to God. Miriam is the one who's punished and mentioned first in Num 12:1 so she seems to be the instigator. God does not mince words responding to Miram and Aaron's talking back to Moses. He answers their criticalness concisely. From the lecture there are five good steps to dealing with grumblings. I'm going to employ them this week and report back. 1) Phil 2:14--"Do everything without complaining or arguing." Post this somewhere(s) to be seen everyday (maybe several times a day). 2) Take complaints to God 1st. God knows my heart anyway, so don't shy away from telling Him what's wrong. Just remember to check my heart attitude. Is this a legitimate concern or am I just discontent? 3) Regularly ask God to show me if I have a complaining or critical heart. Ask for forgiveness and be ready to change it. 4) Turn complaints upside down--look for the praise in the situation/person/circumstance. 5) Pray for those who hurt me.

So that's all for today. This week's plan is a little ambitious.

I'm starting to study the rest of Numbers 12 as well as 13 and 14 tomorrow for BSF next week.
Reviewing what we've covered so far in the book The One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven and memorizing my questions to ask from my 3x5 card(s) for this Wednesday.
Started the book Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster last night; going to take that one chapter at a time and try to digest it.
Pray more on my drive to work; pray more often during the day especially during the rush.
Read Phil 1 daily.

Final thoughts: God is so very good. Jesus totally and fully saves. The Holy Spirit fills to overflowing.

Lord, may my rest tonight be refreshing and prepare me for tomorrow's battles. Stir the embers within and push the fire in me to grow. Show me if I've mastered walking and can move on to jogging. I want to run like Paul eventually.

How can I be silent?

2009-02-19T00:41:00.001-05:00

Well. It's official. I stink at blogging so far. But I'm doing good on my daily devotions; some days better than others but I'm nine days strong! I still marvel at how well my days go when I read my Bible, spend time with God and pray in the morning. It's a great way to start off and sets me joyfully onto the day's journey. So today, well actually it was yesterday that was Wed morning as opposed to the nearly 2am it is now Thursday morning... Anywhoo, I finished up my study guide questions on Chapters 11 & 12 of Mark Cahill's book "One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven for Wednesday Nite Bible Study. The one thing Mark's talking about is sharing your faith in Jesus with someone who doesn't believe. What struck me the most of was chapter 11--A Pocket Full of Tickets. I don't want to get to the end of my life, die and stand before Jesus with "a pocket full of tickets to Heaven." I want to have offered those tickets to everyone I know and love. What kind of friend doesn't share the greatest news of all time with those they love? And I don't want to just share with them. I want the boldness to reach out to those I don't know. Those that are hurting and broken and looking for the truth and love. The greatest news I have to share is how God has made my life so full and joyful (John 10:10). The greatest news I have to share is that Jesus loved me so much that He died on a cross and sacrificed himself so I could be reconciled to God (2 Corinthians 5:18-21). The greatest news I have to share is that Christ's blood covers my sins and wrong doings and makes me right with God (Romans 5:6-11). There is a 100% chance I will die. So will everyone I know. The question remains, do I love those I know, and those I don't know, enough to at least share Jesus with them? What anyone does after I share is up to them... but I want to show them I care about their eternal destination. Lord, give me boldness to speak, knowing You are with me and I have nothing to fear. Every time I share Jesus it's a winning, winning, winning senario, no matter the reception recieved. The only time I lose is when I keep silent. Barlow Girls song 'Keep Quiet' (How Can We Be Silent, 2007)

Oh the things I’ve sacrificed So that I could bring You to this world I want them to see You in me But Your name just keeps them far from me So I’ll keep quiet Let’s hope they see I’m different Jesus, Jesus how’s Your name offensive Why are we so scared to tell this world You’ve saved us When all of the hope of the world’s in Your name Why are we so scared to say Oh Jesus If I avoid to speak Your name Tell me would You do the same to me If relevance becomes my goal Tell me will I lose You to its hold But if I keep quiet they’ll never see I’m different Jesus, Jesus how’s Your name offensive Why are we so scared to tell this world You’ve saved us When all of the hope of this world’s in Your name Why are we so scared to say Oh Jesus I’m sorry I’ve cared about my name more than Yours I’m so sorry how could I hide You anymore But if I keep quiet They’ll never see I’m different Jesus, Jesus why’s Your name offends us Why are we so scared to tell this world You’ve saved us When all of the hope of the world’s in Your name Why are we so scared to say Oh, Jesus

I forget...what did God do again?

2009-02-13T04:47:00.000-05:00

Doing good this week. Did devotions the last two days but didn't take time to blog. I think I did the more important item so it's all good. Question. Why is the human memory so long for some things and so short for the things that matter? In Numbers 9:1-14 the Lord says to Moses that the Isrealites should celebrate Passover; a commeration of the final plague in Egypt that God's people had been spared from. According to the passage it's been 2 years since leaving Egypt. Back in Exodus 12 God gave Moses instructions for the people for the first Passover when they were about to exit Egypt. The Isrealites were to put some of the blood of the lamb on the sides and tops of their doorframes where they were eating the lamb, which had to be without defect. The angel of the Lord came through Egypt and all the firstborn (men and animals) were struck down, but when the angel saw the blood on the door frames he "passed over" the Isrealites houses. In the two years time between the miraculous leaving of Egypt and this Passover celebration the Isrealites have seen so many miracles and wonders that it seems hard to believe they've also messed up already in that time. But then I think, they were only human. How well I know the selfish desires of the human heart that pull us from God and lead us away from Him. Just heartbeats and breaths sometimes after we've seen/experienced God. And by us and we, I mean me. So remembering God's work in my life (and yours) is important. I am a forgetful creature that needs reminders of the miracles I have experienced and the wonders laid before me. There's a marvalous song by 1000 generations called All These Wonders that says just that and it starts like this:

Lay out the ancient wonders Spread them out to look again Have I forgot the mysteries, The marvels done before my eyes Is this the sign of losing faith, Or am I just asleep again Dreaming up an independence Of living on my own without a Friend (it scares me to death)

For the full song check out http://www.1000generations.com/music/lyrics/prayers/all_these_wonders.htm. What then is my conclusion for today? I think God recognizes how forgetful we can be. And He is so full of mercy for us when we realize we've forgotten and take the time to repent and remember not just His miracles in our lives but His sacrifice so we could have life. Becuase we have Christ now, who was the perfect sacrifice, we remember with the Lord's Supper or Communion. We eat the bread and drink the wine (well, actually, all churches I've attended over the years use grape juice) remembering Jesus died on the cross to be our Passover Lamb forever. His blood shed on that cross covers our sins like the lamb's blood covered the door frames. His sacrifice means my sins are covered and my debt to God is gone. I am free from that bondage and live joyfully a life serving Jesus. Kind Father, today help me to remember you. Today I will recognize you in my surroundings and circumstances and praise you for the wonders you place in my path. Thank you Lord.

BSF Study Starting Numbers

2009-02-10T20:08:00.001-05:00

Can I just say yesterday was amazing? I got up early and did my devotions before work and the day just flew by. I was so joyful. At work. I'm a sunny person in the lab most of the time anyway but Monday I was in a spiritual zone.

But today is (well was) a new day. I got up seriously early for one of my days off and read the first four chapters of Numbers. Sounds boring right?

It wasn't.

Praying prior to reading the Bible makes a big difference. I've been asking God to show me His truth as I read. I've been reminding myself that the Bible is "...God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..." (2 Timothy 3:16). The Bible is "...living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitude of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

Anywhoo, back to Numbers. The Isrealites have been out of Egypt for a couple years. God's given Moses the Law, and all those details in Leviticus. Now its time to take a head count. The first couple chapters are a census. Why the census? Counting up all those who could serve in the army. Then God organizes how everyone gonna camp. Which seems important considering how many people there are. The detail is amazing but makes sense.

Then chapters 3 & 4 detail the counting of the Levites and their assignments re: the tent of meeting. Again the detail stands out to me; which clans were in charge of setting up and taking down the tent of meeting, who was to be responsible for the curtains, who was to take care of the crossbars and frames and who was responsible to take care of the altars.

The one thing that stands out about this passage is the attention to detail. It just confirms that God is not just about the big picture. He cares about the little things. Jesus says so too. In Matthew 10:29-30 Jesus says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

So if God cares about the details, I guess I should too. I should be more observant and aware of my surroundings and the people I come into contact. Details matter.

Lord, thank you for the motivation today to accomplish all the work you set before me. Thank you for caring about the details of the Isrealite's movements and encampments to the details of our lives today.

BSF Study Finishing Up Leviticus

2009-02-09T04:56:00.001-05:00

Leviticus 26 is a good read. It's the blessings and punishments the Lord details to the Isrealites for obeying or disobeying the decrees and laws handed down at Mt. Sinai.

First God lays out the blessings and they are wonderful. Abundant crops, peace, victory over enemies, God dwelling and walking among the people...the first 13 verses are brimming with promises of rewards for obeying God's decress and law.

Then, dude, there's a lot of punishments. And yes, they are terrible. The consequences of disobeying God are numerous and destructive and, quite frankly, depressing. Four times, in verses 18, 21, 24 & 28, God says that He will punish their sins 7x over. That's heavy.

But all this despair is not without hope. Starting in verse 40 God shows the way out of disobedience and wrath....confess their (the Isrealites) sins, humble their uncircumcised hearts and pay for their sins (by the sin offering set up earlier in the Law). THEN God says He will not reject them, He'll remember His convenants with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. He'll remember their land that's laid in waste.

So there's even more hope today. Since we have Christ who died for our sins as the perfect sacrifice (so we no longer need to make sin offerings annually through a high priest), we repent and confess our sins, humble our hearts to follow God and He will remember us.

The repent part is hard. Sometimes I'm truly sorry for disobeying God; other times honestly, I'm sorry for getting caught. God honors and acknowledges true repentance, which is more that just being sorry. It's being sorry for your sin and then turning away from the sin; it's changing your mind and heart and choosing God's path not your own.

Lord, today I want to walk your path, though it is narrow and reaches into the high places. Show it to me so I may follow it. And give me the strength and the desire to stay true to it.

Let's Try This Again

2009-02-06T21:55:00.001-05:00

Huh. Wish it was still Thursday. Then I could say, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

Two days. I blogged two days and got sidetracked and already I need to restart. Sometimes I think I try too hard but other times I don't think I'm trying hard enough. Billy Joel wrote a great song call "Extremes." I agree with the lyrics, "Darling, I don't know why I go to extremes. Too high or too low there ain't no in between."

Perhaps, perchance, just maybe I've gotten a little too ambitious. Instead of adding one more book I don't have the time to read to the reading list why don't I just blog about my current Bible study (or studies as the case often is). That way it's something I'm already reading so I know it will get done. I'll just add a little dimension and put some of my thoughts out here. For no one to read. Except my mom. Wow, I didn't think it sounded that sad in my head! Ha.

So here's to a new day. A new dawn. A new language I wish to speak. The language of discipline.

Praise Jesus; His mercies are new every morning. He's a God of second chances. And thirds, fourths, fifths, ect... He is very patient with me. For that I'm thankful.

P.S. Mom, I hope you know I'm kidding. You're the best proofreader a kid could have growing up. I love how you've always encouraged my writing. And the above *ain't* isn't mine; it's Billy Joel's. I'm just saying...

Nothing like home

2009-01-29T19:47:00.000-05:00

The midwest that I drove through was starting to recover it seemed from the ice and snow that blew through this week. I'm very thankful God protected me on the drive home. Today was titled How Could Someone Be So Ignorant (from My Upmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers). God has spoken to me before. Not in the burning bush, booming voice from the heavens, the bright light on the road to Damascas or the talking donkey. He has spoken to me as Chambers writes "not through your ears, but through your circumstance." How then having been so close to God and seeing His hand move can I find myself so far from His will and His purpose and His prescence. God never changes and He is always faithful. Thus it must be I that has moved and changed. I say the right things. I think I'm doing what I should. Suddenly my eyes open and I realize that I have been disobedient and omitting much of what I should be doing. I have not persecuted Jesus through eagerness. I have pulled back from involvement, from service, from leadership. I have several good excuses, but ultimately it all leads back to self satisfaction and a spirit of pride. 1 Cor 13 was a good read after this. How do I measure up to God's standards for loving others? Where can I improve?

There are way too many bloggers out there...

2009-01-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

And now I'm one of them. I plan on posting my daily journal as I read thru My Upmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. Poetry will probably show up. Random tangents or "rabbit holes" will also appear. But I don't expect really expect anyone to read this. There are too many interesting blogs out there to bother with this one. Go read one of them. Oh and the blog title is a total play on my name...Mikki Post~~Mikki's Posts....ha, ha. Get it? Yeah I didn't think it was that funny either. Till tomorrow, God bless and good night.